


The Loose Ends Will Make Knots

by savvysav



Category: Dragon Age (Video Games), Dragon Age: Inquisition
Genre: Angst, F/M, Fluff, Friendship, Humour, Minor Iron Bull/Dorian Pavus, POV Alternating, POV Cullen Rutherford, Romance, Sexual Content
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-06-17
Updated: 2015-11-06
Packaged: 2018-04-04 21:28:34
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 19
Words: 37,832
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/4153587
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/savvysav/pseuds/savvysav
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Soon enough they would find out why she had been at the Conclave, why her clan had cast her out. Time was running out and she needed an exit strategy. </p><p>The longer she stays, the more complicated things get—especially when the handsome Commander is thrown into her path. It's only a matter of time before her secret is revealed. Where do you draw the line between hero and villain?</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> This is the first time I am sharing any of my work. I hope you enjoy it and I would appreciate any constructive criticisms!

The plan was to disappear into southern Thedas after the information about the conclave had been sent back to her clan in the Free Marches. This was the final task that would repay her debt to them, and afterward she would be free to leave as she had first intended. This much she remembered. All memory after that was lost. Ellana tried to explain this two the two women who had interrogated her when she awoke, chained to the floor of a stone room. 

She was calm, trying to take in her surroundings and size up her shemlen captors. She was restrained and was without a weapon, but as one of her clan’s fiercest warriors she knew that she needed to be patient and wait for an opportunity she could use to her advantage. The hooded woman left the room, the fiercer woman remaining behind with her.

“What did happen?” Ellana asked as the woman began to unchain her from the floor. 

The woman pulled her up, saying, “It will be easier to show you.”

As Ellana left the doorway of her makeshift prison, she was met with the horrible image of a green tear painted across the gray sky above Haven. 

“It is a massive rift into the world of demons that grows larger with each passing hour,” the woman said. Ellana noted her very distinctive accent and her dark and determined features. “It is not the only such rift; just the largest. All were caused by the explosion at the conclave. Unless we act, the breach may grow until it swallows the world.”

At that, a terrible sound was heard from the sky and the breach pulsed and expanded. Ellana’s hand pulsed and flared green, a burning pain surging through it, and she cried out. The woman explained that as the rift grew to consume the world, it would also consume Ellana. It was killing her. The woman hoped that Ellana’s hand could close the breach, but there was no guarantee that Ellana would live.

Ellana was dragged through Haven, those around the village shouting and leering at her. They thought she was guilty of the conclave explosion, that she had killed the divine. Dread wolf take you all, she thought, what’s one more elven scapegoat to the shems. 

At the edge of the village Ellana’s bounds had been cut, and she made her way through the pass with the warrior woman. They had come upon their first demons, and she grabbed a sword that had been left in the snow. It was in rough shape, but it had worked well enough, and it felt good to have a sword in her hands. They worked their way up to the rift, fighting groups of demons as they went. When they arrived at the rift, Ellana was grabbed by an elf, who helped her to hold her hand to the rift, and it sealed closed with a distinct pop. He explained that the magic in her hand and in the rifts was of the same kind, and her dour captor suggested that they may be able to close the breach. 

That was how Ellana ended up working in this myriad group: the angry shemlen, whose name was Cassandra; a sarcastic but seemingly amiable dwarf named Varric Tethras; and a soft-spoken elven apostate named Solas. The group fought well together, Cassandra and Ellana jumping into the fray while Varric gave them help from a distance and Solas provided them with good cover. The Dalish warrior could hardly believe it herself. It felt good to be fighting again, feeling her blood pumping with adrenaline, lungs expanding and contracting, her muscles working through the natural motions of battle. This is what she was good at, pushing herself to survive. She didn't have to think, she only had to do. 

The group fought their way together up to the forward camp, and then up to the breach itself where they reconvened with Leliana, the hooded Orlesian woman who had also been present when Ellana first woke up. Ellana’s hand had pulsed in pain each time the breach had done the same. She focused on reaching the breach and closing it, and then she could worry about her exit plan. If she lived, of course.


	2. Chapter 2

Ellana stirred, waking slowly. She was disoriented and unaware of her surroundings. When her eyes opened she saw that she was in a small wooden house, lying on a bed. She exhaled slowly before pulling herself up, trying to get her bearings. Slowly she let the fog in her head clear as she thought back to how she ended up here. She remembered travelling up to the breach with Solas, Varric and Cassandra to meet with Leliana. They approached the rift, which Solas had said they needed to reopen and close again…the pride demon. It had emerged with deep mocking laughter, whipping lightening and charging head first to attack them. They had bested it eventually, and Ellana had closed the rift with using the mark on her hand…  
  
Her thoughts were interrupted with a crash as an elf dropped some supplies on the floor after realizing that Ellana was awake. The elf stammered out an apology and said that Cassandra wanted to see her as soon as she was awake, darting off quickly. Ellana considered her options quickly. The mark on her hand seemed calm, for now, though she could still feel its power lingering under the surface. When she walked out into Haven she saw the breach still hanging in the sky, though it no longer pulsed angrily.  
  
She found Cassandra and Leliana in the chantry—along with Chancellor Roderick, a miserable old shemlen. He accused her of killing the Divine, shouting for her head. Cassandra and Leliana stood up to him, stating that the Maker had sent Ellana to them. They stated that they were going to reinstate the Inquisition something-or-other and restore order. Ellana could care less about the shemlen chantry or its Maker, but she was glad that she was not to be shipped off to Val Royeaux to be locked up or killed. She still had time create an exit strategy, biding her time until she could sneak away unnoticed. She would help this Inquisition, such as it was, close the breach and hopefully remove the mark on her hand. She agreed to help Leliana and Cassandra, although she acknowledged that it was strange.  
  
“This is not what I was expecting when I woke up this morning,” she said.  
  
Leliana replied, “Neither were we.”  
  
Cassandra reached out, offering Ellana her hand. She took it, shaking firmly, and acknowledged that the woman’s features softened, ever so slightly. It was a brief glimpse, but perhaps there was something beneath the warrior woman’s armoured exterior.  
  
They moved quickly onto discussing plans of how to get enough power to close the breach, bringing Ellana to a large table with a huge map spread out across it. There were two people she did not recognize that had joined them around the table. The man, a tall blonde in a clock of bear fur, was definitely a seasoned warrior. Ellana noted the faint scar on his face, running in a lie across his lip. Casasndra confirmed the hunch.  
  
“May I present Commander Cullen, leader of the Inqusition’s forces,” Cassandra said.  
  
He sighed, “Such as they are. We lost many soldiers in the valley, and I fear many more before this is through.”  
  
He was very soft spoken for a commander. Ellana regarded him closely, her curiosity piqued. She had had very few positive interactions with shemlen men. Those who came close to her clan were often thugs or bandits, wishing to steal from them or attack. As one of the clan’s most skilled warriors, Ellana was often assigned to watch the outskirts of the camp, engaging the shems that attempted any harm. She had little trust to spare for them. She was already feeling surrounded in this room, in Haven, and although she was no longer their prisoner she did not feel that she was permitted to leave entirely, either.  
  
Cassandra introduced Josephine Montiliyet, the Ambassador of the Inquisition, and Ellana was excited when Josephine greeted her in the elven tongue, although the diplomat quickly admitted that it was all she knew. Ellana could appreciate the gesture, at least.  
  
Cassandra outed Leliana as the Spymaster before putting out the idea that the Inquisition needed to approach the rebel mages in order to get enough power to close the breach. The Commander spoke out in strong disagreement, suggesting the templars instead.  
  
“I was a templar. I know what they’re capable of,” he pleaded. Ellana processed this information quickly. She was familiar with templars, though she had not encountered too many. The Dalish do not fear mages, as the shems do, and each clan always had at least one keeper and their first, keepers of elven lore and magic.  
  
Although the chantry did consider them apostates, the transient nature of the clans made it difficult for them to do anything about it, though sometimes templars might attempt to capture a Dalish mage in order to gain more standing for themselves. The clan was well defended against this threat as they moved often, stayed well hidden from highly populated areas, and the warriors of their clan were usually there to defend them. Usually, she thought sadly.  
  
Ellana realized she had drifted out of the conversation, shaking herself back into focus as Josephine was explaining that the people had started calling the Dalish elf the Herald of Andraste.  
  
“People saw what you did at the temple,” Cassandra continued, “how you stopped the breach from growing. They have also heard about the woman seen in the rift when we first found you. They believe that was Andraste.”  
  
“Everyone is talking about you,” Leliana interjected.  
  
Ellana noticed the Commander staring at her from across the table, hand resting on the pommel of his sword. “That’s quite the title,” he said. “How do you feel about that?” She could not exactly read his gaze. Was he curious, was he testing her? As a former templar it was likely that he was a pious man who fully believed in the shemlen Maker.  
  
“I’m no herald of anything, particularly not _Andraste_ ,” Ellana snapped.  
  
He chuckled back at her saying, “I’m sure the chantry would agree with you.”  
  
She bristled at his retort. Was he teasing her? Did he think this was an affront to his god? Her temper was rising slightly—she did not like being mocked, especially by shemlen. The line of conversation was quickly cut off by the ambassador, who was explaining that at the moment the people were too divided: neither mages nor templars would be open to their approach, and for all of those who thought she was the Herald, just as many thought she was a heretic. They needed to build the Inquisition’s reputation and its standing with the people before they would be able to approach anyone for help. Ellana sighed. Slipping away was not going to be as easy as she thought.  
  
Things moved quickly after that, with a long to-do list forming. There were a number of rifts across the countryside that needed to be closed, a horse master that needed recruiting, and a revered Mother of the chantry who wished to speak with the Herald. She had been quickly dispatched to the Ferelden Hinterlands with Casssandra, Varric, and Solas, travelling on horseback to meet up with the scouts at the main camp in the area. The party made camp after a long ride, each setting off to do their own things—they were still acquaintances, and the group still seemed to be measuring one another. Cassandra had retreated to her tent, Solas lay down to sleep near the fire, Varric sitting near him, and Ellana made her way to the edges of the camp to keep watch.  
  
After some time she heard footsteps approaching from the camp and Varric appeared beside her. “So, now that Cassandra is out of ear shot, are you holding up alright? You go from being the most wanted criminal in Thedas to joining the armies of the faithful. Most people spread that out over more than one day.” The dwarf seemed genuinely concerned.  
  
Without thinking, she replied, “I have no idea what’s happening anymore.” There was something about his demeanour that put her at ease. Dwarves were also subject to shemlen prejudice, so they had that in common, she thought.  
  
“That makes two of us,” Varric responded.  
  
“I’m still not sure I believe that any of this is really happening,” Ellana said. So much had happened, it was hard to keep it all straight.  
  
“You might want to consider running at the first opportunity,” Varric laughed sarcastically.  
  
_If only you knew_ , Ellana thought. She stood silently, eyeing the edges of the camp. She liked the Hinterlands, or at least the little she had seen of it so far. It was rocky and laden with trees, and it reminded her of her clan. They often kept to the woods as it was too dangerous to venture close to cities, and she was happiest when she could be outside, especially sleeping under the stars. She sighed, her thoughts had wandered to her clan and she knew that she missed them. Varric eyed her curiously, and Ellana realized that the sarcastic dwarf was probably more observant than he let on.  
  
“Why don’t you get some sleep? I can take over the watch,” Varric interrupted. Ellana was grateful, and she thanked him before heading to grab her bedroll and pull it out of the tent and closer to the fire. She lay on her back and stared up at the constellations, relaxing into sleep and trying to prepare herself for the tasks ahead.


	3. Chapter 3

The Herald and her companions spent a few weeks in the Hinterlands before arriving back at Haven, thoroughly exhausted from their exploits. They had closed a number of rifts, encountered many rebel mages and rogue templars, ran errands for the people in the area, met with Mother Giselle, managed to convince the horse master to join them, and even recruited a Grey Warden named Blackwall to join their ranks. They had been fighting their way through, accomplishing what they could, and Ellana had to admit that they were a good team. She had thoroughly warmed to Varric, could feel herself warming up to Cassandra, and even enjoyed conversation with Solas—though he made it clear that he had very little appreciation for the Dalish.   
  
It was nice to be back in Haven, though she would miss camping. Something about her quarters made her uncomfortable; it felt too closed in. Ellana tried to spend as little time there as possible. She made her way through Haven, heading to catch up in the war room. It seemed the next trip would send her father into Ferelden to a cheery sounding placed called the Fallow Mire, and then up to the Storm Coast. They would be heading out tomorrow. Ellana took some time to speak to her companions, and although she told herself she only did this because she wanted to know those who fought with her in battle, deep down she knew that she had a genuine interest.  
  
She approached Commander Cullen as he was overseeing training exercises, shouting instructions to them as they sparred.  
  
“We’ve received a number of recruits—locals from Haven, and some pilgrims. None made quite the entrance you did,” he said, noticing the Herald approach.  
  
“At least I got everyone’s attention,” Ellana responded easily. She surprised herself, joking with the Commander.   
  
“That you did,” he said, continuing to explain that he was recruited from Kirkwall during the mage uprising, and left the templar order to join Cassandra and Leliana.“Now we’re facing something far worse. The Inquisition could act when the chantry could not. Our followers could be part of…Forgive me, I doubt you came here for a lecture.”  
  
“No, but if you have one prepared I’d love to hear it,” Ellana retorted. _Where did that come from?_ she chastised herself. Being friendly was one thing, but this felt like something else.   
  
The Commander stammered a bit, saying that there was work to be done. A scout approached with a report, and Ellana took this as an opportunity to make a quick exit. She was embarrassed and reminded herself that she was not going to stay. She was going to seal the breach and move on. She was letting her guard down and this would only make it harder in the end. She tried to strengthen her resolve, reminding herself that it the more you let the feelings seep in, the more they can eat away at you.   
  
She started walking out of Haven through the front gates and down a path that lead through the trees and out to the water. It was cold and snowing lightly, but it was not unpleasant. She was not wearing her armour, but wore leather breeches and a thick tunic, with a large hooded cloak. Ellana breathed in the fresh air, her breath exhaling into small clouds. She needed some time to clear her head, too many thoughts swirling around it. She stopped by the water’s edge and looked out over the icy lake. The sun was dipping under the mountains, their caps tinged with hues of orange and red.   
  
_Gods, what am I doing here?_ She thought. _They are calling me the Herald of Andraste—a Dalish elf! I am no prophet—and here’s no great matter. What will they do with me when the breach is closed?_ She closed her eyes and exhaled slowly. She did not belong here. She no longer belonged with her clan, either.

She stared across the lake for what seemed like a few moments. She was aware that the darkness had followed the sun’s retreat, slowly bring the stars out with it.  Ellana receded into her thoughts, attempting to retrieve the aloofness that had guarded her when she first woke up as Cassandra and Leliana’s prisoner weeks ago.   
  
A soft crunch in the snow alerted her to someone approaching behind her and she spun around quickly.   
  
“Maker’s breath! Are you out here alone?” the Commander exclaimed, surprised by her quick reaction. “Cassandra’s fuming. She’s ready to call out a full search party. You’ve been gone for hours—we weren’t sure where you went. ”  
  
Ellana was surprised to see him out here. Had he been looking for her? She regarded him carefully. He didn’t seem upset that she was out here, or that she had caused Cassandra distress. He seemed genuinely concerned. Ellana was not sure what to make of this man. She had noticed that he did not treat her differently than he treated anyone else. She was surprised by this, knowing that many in Haven or the Inquisition sometimes referred to her as “knife-ear” or “rabbit” when they thought she couldn’t here them. Others refused to acknowledge her directly. Whenever Commander Cullen spoke to her he looked her directly in the eyes, asked for her opinion and sometimes agreed to her suggestions at the war table.   
  
“What are you doing out here?” he asked. It was void of any accusation, and she felt his worry for her. She had not said anything yet, and let another moment pass between them. She felt comfortable around him, but she did not want to mistake this for trust.   
  
She finally said, “I just needed to clear my head. I did not realize I was gone for so long. Lost in thought, I guess.” Looking into his eyes, Ellana could see empathy in them. She noticed for the first time what a lovely amber colour they were; they reminded her of the golden colour that the leaves turned each fall. She quickly averted her gaze and the Commander cleared his throat.   
  
“Are you, um, ready to head back into Haven?” he asked, rubbing the back of his neck. “I’d like to tell Cassandra there’s nothing to worry about.”  
  
Ellana nodded, heading back into Haven proper with the Commander following quietly behind her. A fuming Cassandra met them inside the gates.   
  
“Where have you been?” she exclaimed. “You disappear without telling a single soul where you are going? We thought you had gone, perhaps lost in the forest, or were kidnapped—how were we to know any different? What were you doing out on your own?”   
  
Ellana stared her down, her posture stiffening defensively. She was aware of Commander Cullen’s presence near her. He stepped forward to address Cassandra, placing himself between them, but not blocking Ellana entirely. She thought it seemed strangely protective.  
  
“I am sorry Seeker. I had forgotten that the Herald had told me she intended to take a walk and scout some of the area around Haven. As soon as I realized my mistake I went to retrieve her,” the Commander said before Ellana had a chance to reply.   
  
The Seeker accepted his response, though Ellana knew she did not believe him.“Next time you should tell someone who will remember to pass on the message,” she said sharply  to Ellana before turning away and heading into the chantry.   
  
She eyed the Commander curiously.“You didn’t need to do that,” she said. He flushed slightly, rubbing the back of his neck.   
  
“It’s nothing,” he said. After another moment he added, “If you ever wish to talk, I would be happy to listen.”  
  
Ellana nodded at him and quickly departed for her quarters. She swiftly closed the door behind her and leaned up against it. She let out a deep sigh. _Thank the gods I’m leaving tomorrow_ , she thought.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> "I am no prophet — and here’s no great matter;  
> I have seen the moment of my greatness flicker,  
> And I have seen the eternal Footman hold my coat, and snicker,  
> And in short, I was afraid."
> 
> \- an excerpt from T.S Eliot's The Love Song of J. Alfred Prufrock


	4. Chapter 4

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> First Cullen POV Chapter

Cullen  dressed quickly, the early dawn lightly colouring the sky over Haven. It was quiet outside his tent, and he knew that very few would be awake at this hour. He had had a short, fitful sleep and was glad to leave it behind.   
  
The Herald was said to be arriving from Redcliffe today. Cullen was furious when she expressed   
her interest in recruiting the mages, but after his anger had abated he had to remind himself that she had been doing a fine job so far and he needed to trust her instincts. It wasn’t easy—an alliance with mages went against all of his training, and admittedly, he was loathe to trust them.   
  
The past few months the Herlad had been travelling tirelessly, gaining the Inquisition both allies and notoriety. She had also expanded her party, recruiting a curious elven rogue who called herself a Red Jenny, an uptight Orlesian mage, and a very forthright Qunari warrior spy. They had become quite the menagerie. The Iron Bull, Varric, and Cassandra had accompanied the Herald most recently, and it seemed they had become her most trusted crew of companions. Her trust in them fighting by her side was evident, though Cullen had noticed that she was quite withdrawn when it came to making personal conversation.   
  
Aside from their conversation near Haven months before, the Herald had hardly spoken to Cullen. Initially he had felt that they had something in common—the Herald had receded into her own thoughts, as Cullen was prone to do, and he knew there was something weighing on her.  In that moment when their eyes had met he thought they had mutually acknowledged something in one another. He remembered their deep blue colour, brought out in contrast to the silvery vallaslin that wove its way across her cheekbones and up around her eyes. The moment had quickly passed, and after their run in with the Seeker he noticed that the Herald had quickly disappeared.   
  
Since then, he could count on one hand the number of conversations they had had, though one in particular did stand out to him. She had asked about his training as a Templar, and curiously inquired about his vows…Cullen blushed as he recalled the memory. Shortly after that she had decided to travel to Redcliffe. She was like a wave, he thought, swelling towards the shore in earnest, and then quickly retreating back. He hadn’t known what to make of it.   
  
“Ser!” a scout said, approaching as Cullen exited his tent. He was immediately presented with a stack of reports.   
  
The one he took particular note of was the update on the Herald’s mission in Redcliffe. She had asked the mages to join the Inquisition as their allies. Cullen felt uneasy as he read the missive. Continuing, he noted that the Herald was also travelling back with a Tevinter mage, and she hoped they could hold a council meeting immediately upon her arrival back. Her urgency worried him. The Herald seemed to be pushing herself very hard in the past few weeks and was quite intent on attempting to close the breach as soon as possible. He rubbed his eyes wearily; he could feel a headache forming behind them. He continued through his paperwork and tried to focus on the day ahead of him.   
  
It was close to dusk when the large party finally arrived back in Haven. Cullen headed to the chantry in order to convene with the council. Josephine and Leliana were already present, and Cullen joined them to wait for the Herald. When she arrived she nodded to her advisors, and she gave Cullen a small smile, though it was quickly replaced by a stern expression as she addressed the three of them.   
  
The Herald recounted her time in Redcliffe to them quickly, letting them know about Alexius and his master “the Elder One,” of whom they had little information. She continued to explain how Alexius had sent her forward in time with Dorian, the mage who had accompanied her back, and told them of the demon army and the assassinated Empress. She said little else of what she saw in the future, and Cullen saw her physically tense as she recounted that piece of the tale.   
  
“We need to close the breach, quickly,” the Herald finished.   
  
“These reports are quite concerning,” Leliana said. “I will have my agents look into them. We can move to close the breach as soon as you are ready.”

Cullen looked directly at the Herald, who was staring down at the map on the table. He noticed the dark circles under her eyes and knew she had not slept.  Her face was a mask of determination, but underneath Cullen sensed that she was retreating into her own thoughts.  
  
Interrupting them, he addressed her directly. “The best of the mages are ready, Herald. Be certain you are ready for the assault on the breach; we cannot know how you will be affected.”   
  
The Herald nodded and said, “My team will rest and resupply. We leave first thing in the morning.”   
  
“I would like to join you, if I may. I feel I could be of good use.” The mage, Dorian, had appeared in the doorway and addressed the Herald directly. She gave him an appreciative nod and heartily agreed to the company.   
  
Cullen regarded the mage with apprehension. Based on what the Herald had said, Dorian was the only reason that she had been able to successfully return from Redcliffe. In spite of that, Cullen was not yet willing to trust him. He did not like the way that the mage addressed the Herald with such familiarity. _Maker’s breath_ , Cullen thought, _I am acting like a jealous school boy._  
  
After their concerning discussion on Redcliffe the advisors quickly updated the Herald on what had happened while she was away. The meeting ended and Josephine and Leliana hurried out to set to work on getting more information on the Elder One and his plans. Cullen knew he should be doing the same, but as he turned to leave he noticed the Herald lean down onto the war table and let out an audible sigh. He stopped for a moment before he asked, “Are you alright Herald?”  
  
The Herald jumped slightly, obviously thinking that everyone had left. She turned to face him and said, “Er, yes, I’m fine Commander. Just tired, I think.” She brushed her pale blonde hair behind her ear, and avoided making direct eye contact with him.   
  
Cullen rubbed the back of his neck, awkwardly grappling with what to say next. There seemed to be something else, he knew it, but was not sure what he should do. They were not really friends, but he was her advisor. She could not afford a distraction that would affect her ability to fight or carry out her duties. “I understand that what happened in Redcliffe was…disturbing. Would you like to talk about it?”  
  
The Herald looked up at him with a pained expression, her blue eyes cold with sadness. It had a sharp effect on him, and he wished he could do something, anything, to take that sadness away.

She finally spoke. “I wish I could erase the memory of the future I saw. It was terrifying. My team, they…,” she did not finish the thought. “I will do everything that I can to stop it from happening.”  
  
Cullen had seen the Herald fight, had seen her training with recruits. She was fearsome, wielding two-handed weapons that looked like they should outweigh her. Strength emanated from her constantly. But not at this moment. She looked sad, and tired, and he wanted nothing more than to pull her close to him and absorb her pain from her. They stood there for a few moments, looking at each other and saying nothing. Cullen felt drawn to her in a way that he could not explain. She was beautiful, certainly, and there was no denying that—but there was something else.  
  
She stepped toward him and gently took his gloved hand in her own. She squeezed it warmly and did not immediately let go. They were close now, Cullen realized, and he could smell the lavender scent of her hair. He could easily draw her into him, close the space between them. For a fraction of a second Cullen thought he might, but the moment passed as the Herald said, “Thank you Commander,” and quickly left the room.   
  
Cullen felt a knot tie up in his stomach. _Oh Maker, I am in trouble._   
  



	5. Chapter 5

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The events of In Your Heart Shall Burn, told from Cullen's perspective.

Haven was full of merriment the evening that the breach was closed. The Herald had set out immediately the next day with her party and the collection of mages. She had been successful in sealing the breach. Cullen had watched as the great green rift in the sky closed, a ripple shivering through the clouds. The people had cheered heartily, and as soon as the Herald returned the casks of ale and wine were brought out in celebration.   
  
Cullen did not join in the merriment. He was pleased that the breach had been sealed, but his conversation with the Herald the night before left him worried about the future that she had seen, and he wished to put all his effort into helping them avoid it. They still had no information on who this Elder One was, or his motivations for any of this terror. Cullen was determined to keep his forces on alert despite the fact that they were all drawn to the celebration. He was making his way through Haven when the watch guard ran up to him, panting.   
  
“Ser! A massive force approaches Haven!”   
  
Cullen snapped to attention. “Sound the alarm!”   
  
He turned to the men nearest him as the bells rang out. “Forces approaching—to arms!”   
  
He ran immediately to the front gate and saw the Herald and the Seeker quickly meet him. They were still in armour, weapons strapped to their back.   
  
“Cullen?” the Seeker addressed him for information.  
  
“One watch guard reported it. It’s a massive force, the bulk over the mountain,” he replied.  
  
“Under what banner?” Josephine had joined them at the gates.  
   
“None,” he said.  
  
“None?” the ambassador said incredulously.   
  
Before they could continue the conversation there was shouting heard directly from the other side of the gate. “I can’t come in unless you open!”  
  
Two guards opened the gate and the herald stepped out to see a large armoured soldier in front of them, a blade quickly protruding through his chest. He fell, revealing a young boy in mismatched clothing and a floppy hat. There were a number of dead soldiers around him.   
  
The Herald approached him and Cullen followed right behind her, unsure what to make of the whole scene.  
  
The boy spoke quickly in short sentences to the Herald. “I am Cole. I came to warn you. To Help. People are coming to hurt you. You probably already know. The templars come to kill you.”  
  
Cullen was shocked. “Templars? Is this the Order’s response to our talks with the mages? Attacking blindly?” He looked between the Herald and the boy, Cole. The Herald was watching him closely.   
  
Cole said, “The red templars went to the Elder One. You know him? He knows you. You took his mages. There.” He pointed up to the top of the hill. Cullen looked up to see the tall, grotesque  
 figure that the boy had indicated. Cullen was shocked to see Samson, a former colleague from Kirkwall, at the monster’s side. “He is very angry that you took his mages.”  
  
The Herald turned to the Commander. “Cullen, give me a plan. Anything.”  
  
He snapped to attention immediately, turning to her. “Haven is no fortress. If we are to withstand this mister than we must control the battle. Get out there and hit that force. Use everything you can.”    
  
She immediately ran out with her party and Cullen turned to address the forces assembling. “Mages you have sanction to engage them. That is Samson, he will not make this easy. Inquisition, with the Herald. For your lives, for all of us!”  
  
With a loud cry the battle began outside the gates. Cullen ran through Haven assembling the troops and putting them into position. He was focused on the task at hand and was in full Commander mode. He paused when he heard the shot from the trebuchet connect with the side of the mountain, watching as the avalanche was released onto the troops below. Cullen heard the cheers come up from their forces, but they were soon silenced as the great dragon swooped down and destroyed a large trebuchet with a blast of fire. Immediately Cullen took off to the inner gate knowing that the Herald was still outside. She and her party were quickly running toward them, and Cullen ushered them in and slammed the gates shut as the dragon passed by over head.  
  
He knew they needed to regroup. “We need everyone back to the chantry. It’s the only building that might hold against that beast. At this point, just make them work for it!”   
  
Things did not look good. He raced into the chantry, bringing with him as many of the townsfolk as he could. He heard the Herald shouting instructions to her team to help the people who were stranded or pinned down. She never ceased to amaze him. It seemed that the Herald thought no one was expendable, except maybe herself. A few minutes later the Herald and her team rushed to the chantry and closed the doors behind them.   
  
Cullen approached them quickly, saying, “Herald. Our positioning is not good. That dragon stole back any time you may have earned us.”   
  
The boy interrupted. “I’ve seen an archdemon. I was in the fade, but it looked like that.”   
  
Cullen was annoyed by the interjection. “I don’t care what it looks like. It’s cut a path for that army. They’ll kill everyone in Haven.”   
  
“The Elder One doesn't care about the village. He only wants the Herald,” Cole said.  
  
The Herald did not seemed phased by his statement. “If it will save these people he can have me.”  
  
“It won’t. He wants to kill you. No one else matters but he’ll crush them. Kill them anyway. I don’t like him,” Cole said.   
  
Cullen stared at him in disbelief. “You don’t like—. Herald, there are no tactics to make this survivable. The only thing that slowed them was the avalanche. We could turn the remaining trebuchets cause one last slide.” He knew what he was sentencing them to.  
  
“We’re overrun. To hit the enemy we’d bury Haven,” she said.  
  
“We’re dying but we can decide how. Many don't get that choice.”  
  
Cullen could hear Cole whispering to the chancellor. Then he spoke up and said, “Chancellor Roderick can help. He wants to say it before he dies.”   
  
Chancellor Roderick spoke with shallow breaths. “There is a path. You wouldn’t know it unless you had made the summer pilgrimage, as I have. The people can escape. She must have shown me.” He turned to face the Herald. “Andraste must have shown me so I could tell you. It was a whim that I walked the path, it was so overgrown…If this simple memory can save us it could be more than mere accident, you could be more than mere accident.”  
  
The Herald turned to the Commander, “What about it Cullen. Will it work?”   
  
He took a second to consider what she was saying. He knew the trebuchet would only buy them so much time and the Herald would be caught directly in its path. “Possibly, if he shows us the path. But what of your escape?”  
  
She said nothing and avoided his gaze. Her face was resolved, accepting. Cullen realized then that she knew there was little chance of her survival, and yet she was entirely willing to to face that monster and bury it along with her in an avalanche. For a second, Cullen imagined rushing to her, pulling her close and kissing her. This would be the last time he ever saw her. Presented with the realization of her loss his feelings for her had rushed in from all sides. The thought quickly passed. It had existed in the second between heartbeats, time unnoticeable to anyone but Cullen. He took one last look at her, committing her features to memory.   
  
“Perhaps you will surprise it. Find a way,” he said hopefully, but his words lacked weight. “They will load the trebuchets. Keep the Elder One’s attention until we are above the tree line. If we are to have a chance—if you are to have chance—let that thing hear you.”  
  
Cullen turned away from her and he could hear her move through the chantry doors. She was gone. Cullen resumed his full Commander persona, following Cole and the Chancellor and herding people through the passageway. Cullen waited until the last people were through and waited at the entrance. He let a few minutes pass, as long as he could afford, waiting for her to come through. _Oh Maker, please let her be alright,_ he pleaded. The chantry doors opened and he saw Dorian and Varric run through, followed by Cassandra. The Herald was not with them.   
  
“Go!” Cassandra yelled.   
  
“Where is the Herald?” Cullen asked.   
  
“She told us to run, she stayed behind. We must go, Cullen. I do not want to leave her any more than you do but she knew what she was doing. We need to save the Inquisition and the people of Haven. Otherwise her sacrifice will be for nothing,” Cassandra finished.   
  
Cullen knew she was right. Cassandra felt the weight of this decision and she was following the Herald’s order. He knew they needed to do this. They left quickly, following the crowd of people up the side of the mountain. As soon as they had cleared the tree line, Cullen gave the order for the signal to go up. He looked down at Haven and saw fire and smoke. He could barely make out the top of the trebuchet. A few moments after the flare went up he saw the trebuchet unwind and hit the top of the mountain, cascading snow down its side. Haven was overtaken with it in moments. Cullen said a silent prayer to the Maker and then resumed his duties as they climbed into the mountains.

  
  
It had been a couple of hours, but they had made it to safety and the red templar army could not follow. Cole appeared suddenly beside Cullen as they walked. “She feels it too. A moment where things could be different, better. Like the time she held your hand. A heartbeat. It was hard to leave.”  
  
Cullen did not say anything in response. The boy generally spoke in riddles, but Cullen felt heunderstood this one. He did not want to hear it.  
  
Cole continued, “She let him hear her. Like you said. _Your arrogance blinds you. Good to know. If I’m dying, it’s not today_. She’s quiet now.”  
  
Cullen stopped, turning to face him directly. “Is she alive? Can you hear her?” Coles words had given him hope. He was strange, but somehow he was able to connect with another’s feelings. Cullen did not question what this power was or where it came from—at the moment he was too full of hope.  
  
Cole stopped and concentrated, closing his eyes. “Cold, broken, it hurts. Too much. I did not ask for this, done what has been asked of me. No more, so cold.”  
  
“No Ellana, do not give up!” Cullen grabbed Cole’s shoulders, trying to speak through him to her, willing her to go on. He needed to find her. “Cole, do you know where she is?”  
  
“Embers, not yet cold. Are they close? A few more steps. I can keep going.” Cole’s eyes widened at Cullen.   
  
“Our last camp. She’s close!” That was all he needed to hear. He took off immediately, grabbing Cassandra on the way. He didn’t have time to explain, but she followed.  
  
He saw a figure slump down in the snow and fall face forward a little way down the hill from their camp.   
  
“There! It’s her!” Cullen rushed forward to her, pulling her up into his arms and brushing the snow from her face. She was so cold.   
  
“Thank the Maker,” Cassandra said, running up behind him. “We must get her back to camp, warm her up. She may have other injuries.”  
  
Cullen pulled her up against his chest, drawing his cloak over her as much as he could. He nearly ran back up to the camp, bringing her to a tent near a large fire. Cassandra had gotten Solas immediately and the mage started some healing spells.   
  
“She didn’t want to let go. Didn’t want you to let go either. All the times she could have left, could have let go. She stays for you.” Cullen had not noticed Cole appear.   
  
He was glad that Cassandra and Solas could not hear the boy’s words. Cullen wanted them to be just for him.   
  



	6. Chapter 6

Ellana drifted in and out of consciousness. She remembered the cave-in, crawling her way through the tunnel and up into the hills. There was so much snow and wind, and the sound of wolves howling around her replayed in her mind. Where she had found the will to keep stumbling forward she wasn’t sure. Had she died, it might have solved her problems—no need to escape on your own if you’re dead. The plan had always been to close the breach and leave. But after the horrifying future she saw in Redcliffe, and seeing the Elder One—Corypheus—up close, she knew that she couldn’t abandon things just yet. She would need to let this charade play out a little longer. She hated how they called her the Herald of Andraste, seemingly worshipping her for what was no more than an accident, a mistake. Ellana knew she was a fraud and eventually the Inquisition would realize this too. She wanted to get out before that happened.

Her advisors and compantions had defied her expectations of how the humans might treat her. Despite her better judgement, and sometimes best efforts, she knew that she was warming to a few of them—even bordering on friendship with some. It had even been a shock to her to learn that those who judged her most for being a Dalish elf were the other elves in her party. The whole thing was too confusing. It went against everything she had been taught, all of the stories that she had heard growing up, all of the experience she had had living with her clan. She had seen the worst parts of human kind, witnessed the death and destruction that they caused. But what she was learning now was that some were capable of making up for their mistakes; some humans sought forgiveness, retribution. They acknowledged that they had been wrong. 

Commander Cullen had spoken briefly about his time as a templar, his experiences in Kirkwall and in Ferelden. Ellana knew that he was a man of duty and honour, but his place in the order did not allow him to live up to those standards. That was how he had ended up here, and he was dedicated to proving that he was a better man. She hadn't pressed him for more information than he was willing to give, and she was in no position to pass judgement, but Ellana was slowly coming to the realization that they likley had more in common than she first thought. The lines between _us_ and _them_ were starting to blur, and it was clear that things were not always in such stark opposition.   
  
The sound of a loud argument interrupted her thoughts. She had heard it building a while ago but it now invaded her consciousness. With some effort she sat upright and realized that Mother Giselle was sitting with her. They were in a camp of some kind. She saw Cassandra, Cullen, Leliana, and Josephine yelling at each other around a fire.   
  
“You need to rest. The enemy could not follow and with time to doubt we turn to blame. Infighting may threaten as much as this Corypheus,” Mother Giselle said.  
  
Ellana groaned. “This is a waste of time. Arguing solves nothing.”  
  
“Our leaders struggle because of what we survivors witnessed. We saw our defender stand and fall, and now we have seen her return.”  
  
Ellana prickled at those words. The fact that she was having this conversation was pure luck.   
  
“I escaped the avalanche. Barely, perhaps, but I didn’t die. I am no Herald. I don’t even believe in your Maker, or Andraste. Mother Giselle, I just don't see how what I believe matters. Corypheus is a real physical threat. We can’t match that with hope alone.”   
  
She walked out of the tent leaving Mother Giselle without an opportunity to reply. She had little patience for what felt like a circular conversation. Ellana’s body ached. She gingerly approached the circle of advisors around the fire, each of whom were silently sitting on their own, no longer speaking to each other. They did not look up. She wanted to say something—anything—to bring them all together, but what? She was a warrior, not a leader. She couldn’t form the words.  
  
Ellana heard Mother Giselle behind her softly signing something that Ellana did not recognize. She watched as Josephnie and Leliana raised their heads, as people came out from between the tents, and they joined in on the Mother’s song. People were amassing around Ellana now and her face flushed immediately. At that moment she wished she could be anywhere else, even if it was freezing to death in a snowbank. These people had no idea what they were doing. It was too much.   
  
As the song finished, Mother Giselle said, “An army needs more than an enemy. It needs a cause.”   
  
She left Ellana there standing on her own. Solas quickly approached and asked her for a word. She was certain she had never been happier to see him. They walked away from camp, up to a lantern which Solas lit with magic.   
  
“The humans have not raised one of our people so high for ages beyond counting. The faith is hard won _lethallin_ , worthy of pride, save one detail,” he paused for a moment. “The threat Corypheus wields, the orb he carried, it is of our people. He used the orb to open the breach and unlocking it must have caused the explosion at the conclave. We must prepare for the reaction they will have when they learn that it was ours.”  
  
She thought on this for a moment. Despite what she had learned as part of the Inquisition so far, her lifelong instinct was hard to fight.   
  
“Even if we defeat Corypheus, eventually they’ll find a way to blame elves,” she said.  
  
Solas nodded. “It is unfortunate but we must be above suspicion to be seen as valued allies. Faith in you is shaping this moment, but needs room to grow. By attacking the Inquisition Corypheus has changed it, changed you. Scout to the north and be their guide. There is a place that waits for a force to hold it. There is a place where the Inquisition can build, grow. Skyhold.”   
  
“ _Dareth shiral_ , Solas. I know that you and I have not always seen things in the same way, but I am glad you are here.”   
  
He smiled at her and turned toward camp. They walked back together silently, and Ellana went to address the advisors. It seemed that they were now in better spirits, conversing with one another rather than arguing. As soon as Ellana approached they were silent. Cassandra gave her a nod and a small smile, which did not go unnoticed. Cullen met her eyes and quickly looked away.   
  
“I have a plan,” she announced.   
  
She did her best to use a voice of authority and continued quickly before anyone could interject.   
  
“We must scout to the north, further into the mountains. We have time and know that Corypheus cannot follow, but we cannot squander this opportunity. There is a place for us to the north where the Inquisition can fulfill its promise. Solas has seen it in the fade. We should gather our supplies and our people and start moving tomorrow. Leliana, I’ll need you to provide me with some of your best scouts to monitor the lines. Josephine, collect our companions and tell them to assist with moving the refugees. Commander Cullen, your soldiers will need to help us move the wounded. Cassandra, I’d like you to accompany me at the front.”  
  
They all stared at her for a moment. Josephine looked pleased, Cassandra almost proud. She knew that she had never shown any amount of leadership. She had the mark and closed the rifts, and although she gave her opinion when pressed, she never truly made any of the hard decisions.   
  
“It will be seen to immediately, Herald,” Leliana finally spoke up. They started to disperse after that, each going to their own tasks.   
  
Ellana exhaled, feeling dizzy and tired. That short list of orders had taken everything she had out of her. Just as she thought she might fall over, she felt a solid presence at her side, taking her arm.   
  
“Are you alright?”  
  
She could feel his gentle grip supporting her, keeping her upright. She looked up to see Cullen’s face full of genuine concern. She recalled the hazy memory of him pulling her from the snow, brushing the ice off of her face, carrying her against his chest. Her heart skipped a beat for a moment, realizing that she was still staring into his eyes as she drifted back to the present.   
  
“Sorry, um, thank you, Cullen,” she said quickly.

He blushed, and she realized she had not called him by his title. She continued without thinking and said, “For everything, I mean. I know that you carried me here, though I don’t remember too much else. I heard your voice.”   
  
He blushed harder then. She was making him uncomfortable.

_Oh Fen’Harel take me_ , she groaned inwardly. This was almost as bad as when she had blurted out that horrible question about templar vows. She was curious, but she took it too far. Here they were in another awkward situation. What was it about this man that made normal conversation so difficult?   
  
“Let me help you back to your quarters. I am sorry that we could not provide you better accommodations,” he said, steering her back to her tent. He was still holding on to her, steady and strong.  
  
“You should not treat me differently than anyone else here. Besides, I am always happier outside. It is nice to sleep under the view of the stars.”  
  
Cullen smiled at her and helped her down onto the cot in her tent. “Do you need anything? Can I get you anything?”

He knelt down in front of where she sat, regarding her with thorough concern, and held both of her hands in his. This man was the contradiction of everything she had ever seen of the shemlen. She wasn’t sure if she could trust it, despite how badly she wanted to. _This is dangerous. What am I doing?_ she thought.  
  
“Really, I’m fine Commander. You look like you should get some sleep as well. We can reconvene with the advisors in the morning,” she said, quickly pulling her hands away from him. She felt the warmth go out of the room immediately, Cullen’s face turning stern and businesslike.   
  
“Of course, Herald. Sleep well.” With that, he was gone.   
  
Ellana covered her face with her hands and cursed herself out loud.   
  
“He sounds new, echoes of laughter on an empty riverbed. Not for sailing, but safer. He couldn’t let you go either.”   
  
Ellana jumped at the sound of the boy’s voice in her tent. How had he gotten in there? She felt like they had met once before. Maybe it was a dream. She felt herself slowly drifting to sleep.

  
  
The next morning the Inquisition made its way up through the mountains to the north, as Solas had suggested. Ellana was happy to be scouting up ahead with Cassandra, away from the commotion of the group behind them. She was coming to realize that she and the Seeker had far more in common than she originally thought. Cassandra was a warrior, and she placed her duty above all else. Ellana could relate.   
  
“I misjudged you, in the beginning,” Cassandra said, as if she knew that Ellana was watching her.  
  
“Can’t say I'm not glad to hear it,” Ellana replied.   
  
“I can be harsh, I know,” she said. Ellana watched as Cassandra's features softened. It was as though she was constantly on guard, wearing a mask to protect her emotions just as she wore armour to protect her body. Ellana was glad that she was starting to see what she thought might be the true Cassandra.

After a pause the Seeker continued, “You said you don’t believe you’re chosen. Does that mean you also don’t believe in the Maker?”  
  
“I’m Dalish. I believe in our own gods.”   
  
Cassandra shook her head. “I have to believe you were put on this path for a reason, even if you do not. Now we only need to wait and see where it leads us.”   
  
“I am glad that you are here to travel it with me,” Ellana said. Cassandra slowed her pace so that they were walking side by side.   
  
“Tell me of your escape from Haven, if you don’t mind?” Cassandra asked, and Ellana obliged. They continued on in this way, conversing back and forth, until they reached Skyhold.   
  
It was quite a sight to behold. Immediately the Inquisition seemed energized as it made its way into the fortress, settling in as best they could. It was strong and capable, though Ellana noted a number of repairs that would need to be made. She ventured around the grounds, up into the keep and through the numerous tunnels, across the battlements and through the towers. After a few hours she emerged into the courtyard to find Cassandra and the advisors in a thorough discussion. She approached and the advisors retreated, leaving only Cassandra.   
  
“We have the walls and numbers to put up a fight but this threat is far beyond the war we anticipated. We now know what allowed you to stand against Corypheus, what drew him to you. The anchor has power, but it’s not why you’re still standing here,” Cassandra said, leading Ellana up the main stairs.   
  
“Your decisions let us heal the sky, your determination brought us out of Haven. You are the creature’s rival because of what you did, and we know it. All of us. The Inquisition needs a leader—the one who has already been leading it. _You_.”  
  
Ellana was stunned. This was the last thing that she was expecting. She could not lead these people. “You’re offering this to an elf? Are you quite sure you know what you’re doing?”  
  
“I believe it is the only way. They’ll follow you. To them, being an elf shows how far you’ve risen. How it must have been by Andraste’s hand. What it means to you, how you lead us, that is for your alone to determine.” She was calm as she said it, and Ellana could tell how willing the Seeker was to trust her. She was not sure that she deserved it.   
  
Cassandra held out a long sword to her, and looking out into the courtyard Ellana saw that a group had gathered. She felt trapped in that moment, wishing for nothing more than to run down to stables, grab the fastest mount she could and get out. But she knew that wasn’t an option.  
  
“I will lead us and I will be an ambassador. I am an elf standing for Thedas. The Inquisition is for all.”

Inside she was asking _What the hell am I doing?_


	7. Chapter 7

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you to everyone who has taken the time to read this far. I am really glad that I've been able to share this story with you!

Ellana was certain that she had gone completely mad. She had accepted Cassandra’s offer to lead the Inquisition, and after that things only became more urgent. Every time someone referred to her as the Inquisitor she felt ill. And she had thought “Herald” was bad. They were all deferring to her now, asking for her say to make decisions, send out operations. It was too much. They were working on an invitation to Halamshiral for Mythal’s sake. Over the next few weeks Ellana and her team had to fill requisitions to start fixing up Skyhold, work on closing rifts, building up their influence, and make headway on some concerning accounts of Venatori and red templars. It was going to be busy.  
  
In all honesty, Ellana was looking forward to the trip. In Skyhold people would stop her, thank her, reach out to touch her. She hated it. They thought she was sent by Andraste, or worked for the Maker. She didn’t believe in their Maker—something everyone seemed to forget. It felt false. Always lying in the back of her mind was how easily could they turn her from their hero to their villain. It was all chance.   
  
She had requested her usual crew and would be taking Cassandra, Varric, and Dorian with her on the next trip. Cole would be tagging along as well. He wasn’t tested in battle yet and she thought he could use some training with the group. Although Cassandra was a devoted Andrastian, she respected Ellana’s beliefs and did not bring it up too much. Varric and Dorian she could identify with—in their own ways they were outsiders too. Travelling on the road with them would allow her to breath a bit. Skyhold was suffocating.  
  
As she crossed the courtyard to head to the stables she noticed Cullen addressing a group of scouts and soldiers from his makeshift “office.” It was a table, really. They hadn’t spoken since that night in camp outside of Haven. She had felt terrible about it afterwards, seeing his face turn to stone when she called him by his title instead of his name, but she had needed to bring her walls back down. She was playing a dangerous game with him and she knew they’d both lose.  
  
Cullen addressed her as she passed by. She stopped to talk to him for a moment. He said quickly, “We set up as best we could at Haven but could never prepare for an archdemon or whatever it was. With some warning we might have—”  
  
“Do you ever sleep?” she interrupted without meaning to. It wasn’t supposed to be said out loud, but she had noticed the dark circles under his eyes.  
  
Cullen continued as if he heard nothing. “If Corypheus strikes again we may not be able to withdraw. I wouldn’t want to. We must be ready. Work on Skyhold is under way, guard rotations established. We should have everything on course within the week. We will not run from here, Inquisitor.”  
  
She respected his determination. She knew he felt guilty for the events in Haven, even though they had been entirely out of his control.   
“How many did we lose?”  
  
“Most of our people made it to Skyhold. It could have been worse. Morale was low. It has improved greatly since you accepted the role of inquisitor,” he said.  
  
“Inquisitor Levallan. It sounds strange, doesn’t it?”  
  
“Not at all.”   
  
“Is that the official response?”  
  
He chuckled, “I suppose it is. But it’s the truth. We needed a leader. You have proven yourself.”   
  
How could they all have so much faith in her? If they had known why she was at the conclave in the first place…She pushed the thought out of her mind quickly. “Thank you Cullen. Our escape from Haven was close, too close. I am relieved that you—that so many made it out.”  
  
“As am I,” he said.  
  
She turned to leave then, her stomach fluttering. It had been a small slip of the tongue and she had hoped he had not noticed.   
  
He gently touched her arm, stopping her. Quietly he said, “You stayed behind, you could have… I will not allow the events at Haven to happen again. You have my word.”  
  
She nodded to him and stepped away. She realized that she had been holding her breath. She started towards the stables.  
  
“Having a nice afternoon chat with the handsome Commander were you?” Dorian fell in beside her, grinning devilishly.   
  
“Come off it Dorian, he was just giving me some updates on Skyhold’s defensive progress.”   
  
He raised an eyebrow at her and said, “Right. That bit at the end then, where he pulled you in to stare at your eyes? Obviously a discussion of battle strategy. I’d also like to point out that you didn’t deny that handsome bit.”   
  
Ellana scowled at him half-heartedly. She appreciated Dorian’s biting humour. He was the only person who didn’t treat her like a figurehead. She felt like they were on the same level.   
  
“Are you going to help me inspect the horses?”  
  
“Goodness, no. I just came by to tease you and then strut across the courtyard drawing all kinds of attention to myself. I’ll be in the library if you desperately need me.” He winked and turned around. Ellana rolled her eyes.   
   
She woke up early the next morning as the sun started to creep through her windows. She thought the quarters assigned to her were far to grand, but she had to admit that she loved the big open windows and the view of the mountains. She bathed and dressed quickly, putting on her armour and grabbing her sword and pack. She knew that the rest of her party would not be waking just yet, and she wanted some time to drop her things at the stables and go for a walk. She climbed up the courtyard stairs to the battlements, taking in the view of the sunrise.   
  
Walking farther along she was surprised to see Cullen standing against out there as well, dressed in his boots and leather breeches and a dark blue tunic. It was the first time she had seen him without his armour. She froze, knowing that if she moved he would likely hear her in her plate mail, but she wasn’t sure what to do—or why she cared so much, for that matter. At the moment she decided to slowly back away as quietly as possible, Cullen turned and jumped slightly at seeing her there.   
  
“Maker’s breath! I didn’t see you there, Inquisitor. What are you doing up here so early?” he asked.   
  
“Sorry, I didn’t meant to disturb you. We’re setting out today and I wanted to take a walk before everyone else was up. I did not expect you to be awake,” she said sheepishly.   
  
“I am not one for sleep,” he said quietly. “It’s calm out here in the mornings, and it’s easy to forget how beautiful this place is. It’s nice to have a moment to yourself.”  
  
“Right, I should leave you to it then,” she said. She thought she heard him groan to himself as he turned.   
  
“No, Inquisitor, I’m, er, I apologize. Please stay if, you’d like,” he stammered.   
  
She walked over to stand beside him, resting her arms on the battlements and leaning on them. It really was beautiful here, the sun rising slowly and painting the sky with beautiful hues of pink and orange. She turned toward Cullen and realized he had been staring at her. He looked away quickly. It was like she always made him feel uncomfortable. She wished he wouldn’t. Maybe it was because she was an elf?   
  
“Cullen,” she said, “Do you think we could use one another’s names when we are alone? I know that you are one to stand on propriety but when we are not discussing Inquisition business I’d really like to hear my name. I hear it so infrequently now.”   
  
He titled his head to the side, regarding her with a smirk. “In that case,” he said, “I’m happy to oblige you, Ellana.”   
  
That fluttering in her stomach was back. Maybe this was a bad idea. The way he said her name sent a shiver up her spine.   
  
“Right, thanks…Cullen,” she said. Now it sounded awkward when she said his name. Probably because she would be aware of every time she said it from now on.   
  
“How long are you to be gone this time?” he asked.   
  
They were facing each other now and she noticed how the sunlight brought out the golden colour of his hair. _Curse you, Dorian_ , she thought. She tried to stay focused on the conversation, slowly going over the travel itinerary in her head.  
  
“At least eight weeks, I think. There’s a lot to be done and we’ll be heading through Ferelden via Redcliffe and then on to Crestwood to meet Hawke’s Warden friend.”  
  
Cullen nodded and he looked as though he would say more, but he paused. Finally he said, “You’ll be careful?” It was more of a statement than a question.   
  
“Cassandra wouldn’t let me be anything but,” she joked. He laughed with her, a warm, deep laugh that reminded her of honey in summer time.   
  
He rolled up the sleeves of his tunic to reveal muscular forearms and strong, calloused hands. She had never seen him without gloves on, either, she realized. She must have motioned toward them with her own, inadvertently, and in response he met her halfway and took her hand with his. It was so warm, gently holding on to her. They stood that way for a few moments, neither saying anything.  
  
“I could write you,” he blurted out. “While you’re away I mean. Aside from that normal reports, that is. If you want me to, of course. I don’t have to.”   
  
She laughed. There was no denying that they were slowly becoming friends. She felt that Cullen looked out for her, had her back.   
  
“I would like that,” she said. Neither of them could stop smiling.  
  
“Hey Tiger! Let’s get this show on the road. We’re all waiting for you by the stables,” Varric had come up the battlements and neither she nor Cullen had noticed.   
  
Ellana was certain that he had not just arrived, that he had witnessed the whole scene before finding the perfect moment to interrupt. She blushed a perfect shade of scarlet and immediately let go of Cullen’s hand.   
  
“Sorry to interrupt, Curly, but the gang’s heading out and we need to steal our fearless leader,” Varric chuckled.   
  
“Right, of course. I am sorry for keeping you, Inquisitor.” Cullen was blushing nearly as much as she was.   
  
“Of course, Commander. I’ll let you get back to it.”   
  
She turned to follow Varric down the stairs and did not look back. She could practically hear Varric’s sly grin as it emanated from him.   
  
“Not a word, Varric, I swear.”   
  
“Of course not, Tiger. What’s a little handholding on the battlements between friends,right?”  
  
“I have no idea what you’re getting at,” she snapped.   
  
“Right. You just keep telling yourself that,” he laughed.   
  



	8. Chapter 8

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> I like to imagine that some of the best conversations happen at camp when we don't see them. Here's my take. I hope you like it.

They made camp just outside of Redcliffe and Ellana was glad to be there. Despite what Dorian had said about nature making him want to retch, she could tell that they were enjoying themselves as much as she was. The next day they would travel to meet the retainer for Dorian’s father, and then it would be onto Crestwood for the Warden. It was if they were perpetually adding checkmarks to a never ending to-do list. They knew they had to be on guard here, but their camp was well protected by trees and ruins. They could rest easily and were not too concerned about the watch. Dorian had snuck along some wine from the cellar in Skyhold and quickly produced it when they had finished their supper.  
  
“As we’re taking a moment to relax, let’s have a drink, shall we?” he said, staring at Cassandra in particular.  
  
“I’m in sparkler,” Varric said quickly. Dorian took a large gulp and handed Varric the bottle. He took a large drink and looked at Cassandra. “What do you say, Seeker?”  
  
Cassandra cocked an eyebrow at him and silently took the bottle. She took a long drink from it, and gave Varric a sly smile. Ellana knew that Cassandra was not one to back down from a challenge. Varric gave a low whistle, obviously impressed.  
  
“Your turn, Inquisitor,” Cassandra said as she passed it over.  
  
Ellana took the bottle, but before taking a drink from it she addressed the group. “While we are at camp, could you all address me by my name? We go into battle together, as equals. It feels strange for you to call me by my title.” Cassandra nodded and Dorian gave her a wink.  
  
“I think I’ll stick with Tiger. It suits you,” Varric said.  
  
Just as Ellana brought the bottle up to her lips to take a drink of wine Varric said slyly, “By the way, since we’re getting all cozy together, why don’t you tell us about your early morning meet up with Curly before we left?”  
  
The effect was immediate and Ellana choked on her wine, spitting it across the fire. She was going to kill Varric. Dorian grinned devilishly and Cassandra gasped.  
  
“Did he finally say something? What happened? What did you say?” Cassandra had moved closer to Ellana and was asking her these questions quickly and intently. She seemed excited by the whole thing.  
  
“Well, well, our Seeker seems to be quite the romantic!” Varric exclaimed.  
  
Cassandra shot him a fierce scowl and he stopped laughing, but his smile remained.  
  
“I don’t know what you’re talking about,” Ellana stammered. “The Commander and I are good friends.”  
  
Dorian grinned at her wickedly. “Oh no, of course not. You have no idea whatever we could be speaking of.”  
  
“Strong but gentle. Warm hands, that feel so rough. Hard to know if they’re trustworthy but it feels right—” Cole had appeared around the edge of the fire.  
  
“That’s enough,” Ellana said sharply, cutting him off. She didn’t want him to say anything else.  
  
“Oh darling, you’ve got it bad,” Dorian said. “Drink some more wine.”  
  
Ellana took another long drink, uninterrupted this time. She handed the bottle to Cole, who sniffed it and passed it on to Dorian.  
  
“Well, if we’re sharing, why don’t you tell us about the pretty Dwarven woman who arrived in Skyhold, Varric? She’s married, if I remember correctly, but seems to share the name of your crossbow.”  
  
Ellana knew by the look on his face that she had returned the embarrassing favour. Varric told the sordid tale as only he could. Ellana felt for him by the time he was through. He loved Bianca very much but there was no way for them to be together. Even Dorian seemed a little teary eyed.  
  
“And what about you, Seeker? Has there ever been anyone that could get past that armour of yours?” Varric asked Cassandra mockingly.  
  
Cassandra looked sad for a moment, and Ellana caught it immediately. She and Varric teased and taunted each other constantly, but it was never meant to be cruel.  
  
“Very well, Varric. If you wish to know about men I have known, I will tell you,” she said sharply.  
  
Varric knew he had struck a nerve and quickly tried to apologize, “Look, Seeker, I was only—”  
  
“You were right. We pried first, and fair is fair.”  
  
She paused and drew in a breath before she continued. “Years ago, I knew a young mage named Regalynan. He was dashing, unlike any man I had ever met. And for whatever reason, he was fond of me. I loved him. He died at the conclave.”  
  
“Oh,” Varric said quietly.  
  
Cassandra continued. “What we had was fleeting. And time has passed. Still, it saddens me to think he is gone.”  
  
“I’m sorry…Look, Seeker, I didn’t mean to make you talk about your mage friend.”  
  
“I know. I was not trying to force you to speak of Bianca. If I was, you would know. There would be yelling, books would be stabbed.” There was a hint of a smile and Varric laughed.  
  
“I’ll keep that in mind,” he said.  
  
They all laughed together, except for Cole, who curiously watched the entire spectacle.  
  
The wine had started going to Ellana’s head. She felt warm and light, and was truly happy to be here with all of them. Should she dare to call them friends? She was tiptoeing on the line and she knew it.  
  
She noticed Dorian staring off past her, lost in thought.  
  
“And what of your exploits, Dorian? Any tales of lost love?” she asked.  
  
Dorian smiled half-heartedly. Ellana remembered the letter that Mother Giselle had given her, the letter she had immediately showed to Dorian. Before they had left Skyhold Dorian had told her a bit about his past and his reasons for leaving Tevinter. Ellana could respect him; she knew that Dorian was an outcast, just like herself. Their friendship was sealed after that.  
  
“I had a few dalliances, in my youth, though of course they were swept under the rug and it made my parents hate me. It’s hard to maintain any kind of relationship in that kind of climate. I’ve never really been allowed to let things get too far, you know. If only I had a strapping young Commander after my heart.” Dorian gave her one of his fiercest grins with an eyebrow raised in her direction.  
  
Ellana rolled her eyes.  “I don’t know how many times I have to say it. We’re just friends!”  
  
Cassandra spoke up and said, “For the sake of argument, let us say you weren’t just friends. Then would you be interested?”  
  
Ellana did not immediately reply. She knew she was attracted to Cullen. She didn’t know who wouldn’t be. But she wasn’t a daydreaming child, either.  
  
“Right. The _Dalish_ Inquisitor and her _human_ Commander. I can hear the rumours already.” After a moment she said, “I am not going to put myself through the torment of wishing for something that could never be. I’m not some kind of hopeless romantic. I would never allow myself to be. Expectation fails, and most oft there where most it promises.. I’ve learned to stop expecting things to be different than they are.”  
  
“Love is tricky. It twists you up. Stomach knots, holding your breath, chest tightens,” Cole interjected. “It sounds dangerous.”  
  
“You’ve got that right kid,” Varric said, taking the wine bottle and finishing it off.  
  
“You are a true friend to me, and have never judged me for any of my actions. I respect you more than I can say. But sometimes you are absolutely ridiculous.” Dorian said. He stood up and stretched. “Well, now that this emotional extravaganza is unwinding, it’s time for bed, I think. Remind me to bring more wine next time!”  
  
Ellana laughed in spite of herself.  Varric squeezed her shoulder as he got up and headed to his tent. Cole had already disappeared.  
  
Cassandra turned to her then and whispered, “Truly though, you and the Commander?”  
  
“Oh Cass, you really are a romantic, aren’t you? I am sure both of us are happy with the way things are. I do not want to ruin it by making something out of nothing.”  
  
Cassandra raised an eyebrow and proceeded to turn away without saying anything.  
  
“I told you she was clueless!” Dorian shouted from his tent.  
  
***  
  
Their meeting with Dorian’s father—the “retainer” had been a ruse—was uncomfortable but ultimately worthwhile as Dorian had ended up staying inside to have a private conversation. He had been lost in thought during the trip to Crestwood. Varric had started telling stories about his adventures with Hawke, but it was evident by Cassandra’s clouded expression that she still hadn’t forgiven him for holding out on the Champion’s whereabouts, so he too went silent. It made for a very quiet trip, each companion buried in their own thoughts.  
  
Ellana’s were focused on Cullen, spurred by the campfire discussion from the previous night. She wondered if the Commander would come to care for her, or she for him. Things would be complicated, to be sure. She had never been with a human man. Would she ever be able to trust him? Would he be ashamed of her? She would make herself dizzy working through all of these thoughts over and over again. She was relieved when they made it to Crestwood. Until they were met with rain, groups of undead, and the massive rift in the flooded old town. Aside from the Fallow Mire, it was one of the most miserable places Ellana had been in Ferelden. It was cold, wet, and gloomy; the dampness held onto them like it had no intention of letting go.  
  
A brief moment of relief came when they arrived at the forward camp to meet Scout Harding and Ellana found that Cullen had sent her a letter, just as he had promised. She blushed fervently as Varric teased her about her private letter. She knew from the knot she felt in her stomach that it would be harder and harder to deny that there could be something between them.  
  
They had continued on through to the newer town and then followed the mayor’s instructions to drain the old town and close the rift. By the time they were finally able to meet up with Hawke and the Warden the group knew that they would have to set camp and wait until morning to set out. They opted to stay at the old smuggler’s cave where the Warden was hiding in order to avoid any unwanted attention.  
  
Hawke had made quick introductions between Ellana and the Warden, a charming man named Alistair. Ellana had heard of him, the famed companion of the Hero of Ferelden, but it felt strange to be meeting in a dark cave with the Warden and the Champion.  
  
“Quite the trio we’ve assembled, huh?” Hawke said, laughing. She had an easy sarcasm about her and it was easy to tell why she and Varric had become fast friends.  
  
“I’ll take all the help I can get,” Ellana said.  
  
They discussed Corypheus, the calling, and the Warden involvement before making a plan to scout the western approach. Hawke and Alistair would leave the next morning and the Inquisitor and her team would return to Skyhold before meeting them out there. The group then settled quietly around the fire in their camp.  
  
Varric and Hawke laughed and joked to themselves, and although Cassandra was still upset she did entertain some of their stories. She wouldn’t be able to stay mad for too long, it seemed. Dorian relaxed and read a book while Cole hovered around the edges of their camp. Alistair seemed lost in thought, unknowingly staring at Ellana.  
  
“Is something the matter?” Ellana finally asked, snapping him back to attention.  
  
“My mind is somewhere else. I apologize,” he said.  
  
Varric interjected. “You mean your mind is with someone else. Where is your lady Hero anyway? Was she caught up in all of this?”  
  
Alistair shook his head. “She left a while ago on mission of a personal nature. Wardens don't live long, you see. She's searching for a way to end the curse for us both. For us all.”  
  
Ellana came to the realization that they were speaking of The Hero of Ferelden, Mahariel. A Dalish elf. She had heard the tales of her role in the Fifth Blight, of course, but she did not realize that she was in love with her Warden companion.  
  
“Mahariel is your lover? But she’s Dalish,” Ellana blurted out.  
  
Alistair looked at her with a puzzled expression. “Yes, but I’m not sure where _your_ concern is coming from. Are you not also Dalish?”  
  
“Our fearless leader has a handsome Commander of her own but she thinks he’s off limits because she’s an elf,” Dorian said audibly from behind his book.  
  
Ellana felt her cheeks flushing and knew they were betraying her. “It’s not so simple,” she said quietly.  
  
“Does this, er, Commander, of yours have feelings for you?” Alistair asked.  
  
Before she could reply, her companions shouted a loud “Yes” in unison. Alistair gave an easy laugh, no longer offended by her question. Ellana wanted to curl up and hide in her tent. She was mortified.  
  
“It sounds simple to me. I would imagine that your being an elf is of little consequence to him. I know that it never mattered to me, though that did not mean that others were so understanding. I am not saying it’s easy, especially given your role as Inquisitor. But that doesn’t mean that you should not deny your own happiness,” Alistair responded.  
  
“Have you been happy?” Ellana asked.  
  
“Happier than I ever dreamed possible. She is more than I deserve. I hope I make her days easier as well. It was hard work for both of us, but we always had each other. As soon as we are done with Corypheus and the wardens I will rejoin my love, and this time I am never leaving her side.”  
  
Although she admired the man for being so forward about his love for a Dalish elf, she was not entirely convinced that she could be so lucky. Who am I to deserve such happiness, she thought. I am not so honourable as the Hero of Ferelden.  
  
“It makes your heart heavy, but he wouldn’t mind helping you to carry it,” Cole said, appearing between Ellana and Alistair.  
  
Alistair jumped, noticing the boy for the first time.“For the love of Andraste! Where on earth did he come from?”  
  
“Oh don’t worry about the kid. He’s quiet, a proficient rogue, but very interested in people’s feelings, lets say,” Varric chuckled.  
  
“Cole,” Ellana groaned in warning. She had reached her limit of embarrassment for the evening. The last thing she needed was a broadcast of her inner thoughts.  
  
“Every man has his secret sorrows which the world knows not. Often times we call a man cold when he is only sad. You make him less cold,” the boy finished.  
  
“That’s enough!” Ellana said harshly. Cole looked as if she had wounded him. Ellana realized her mistake and apologized to him, but he slunk off to the edges of camp once more.  
  
“It’s not that easy,” she said, to no one in particular. She got up and went to her tent, pulling out Cullen’s letter and reading it once more before going to sleep. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Shakespeare nod from one of my favourites. 
> 
> "Oft expectation fails, and most oft there  
> Where most it promises; and oft it hits  
> Where hope is coldest, and despair most fits."  
> All's Well That Ends Well (II, i, 145-147)


	9. Chapter 9

Cullen had re-read Ellana’s last letter a few times and was eagerly awaiting her return. It had been just over two months that she had been away and he missed her. It was as though some of the life went out of Skyhold whenever she left. He was glad that he had asked about writing to her. Little else gave him more joy than receiving a response from her and knowing that she was alright.   
  
Cullen’s headaches had been getting worse in recent weeks. They would creep up on him, throbbing slowly and then building to a crescendo. He was relieved that Iron Bull and Blackwall had volunteered to assist with training. It gave him a good excuse to retreat to his tower to focus on paperwork, though he often used that time to lie down if he could not stand the pain. He still lacked proper sleep and he knew that it did not help matters. When he felt really terrible he would read Ellana’s letters and it would take the edge off, just for a little while.   
  
He tucked her letter into his desk and descended into the courtyard to check in on the sparring matches. At the moment there were three recruits attempting to take down the Iron Bull and failing miserably.   
  
“No, no, press your advantage, lads! You need to work as a team,” Blackwall was shouting from the fence.   
  
“C’mon boys, give me a challenge!” laughed The Iron Bull. He was clearly enjoying this. He likely missed being out in the field with the Inquisitor.   
  
The poor recruits tried and failed a handful of times before tagging out of the ring. Bull roared and pounded his chest. Blackwall had noticed Cullen watching and motioned over.   
  
“Commander. The recruits are doing alright, but they could use an ounce or two of courage. Either that or Bull needs to go a bit easier on them to start,” Blackwall joked.   
  
“Hah! I could be blindfolded and they’d still be scared shitless,” Bull said.

  
Cullen chuckled. He had to admit that adding the two of them to the training rotation was helping his recruits learn some diverse skills, even if most of them were too scared to even step into the ring with Iron Bull.   
  
“So Commander, I hear that Boss might be coming back tonight. What do you say about grabbing a drink with the Warden and I to wait out their arrival?” Bull gave him a knowing smile.   
  
Cullen was not ready to admit how eagerly he was awaiting the Inquisitor’s arrival. It would be perfectly acceptable for her advisor to wait for her to arrive. _Who am I kidding?_ he thought. _I’m not waiting for the Inquisitor, I’m waiting for Ellana._  
  
“Why not? It’s been a while since I’ve had a pint,” Cullen said.   
  
“That’s what I like to hear! And you, Blackwall?”  
  
The Warden nodded, though not eagerly. “I’ll come along, though I can’t say that I’ll have a drink.”  
  
The three of them headed into the Herald’s Rest. Some of the Chargers were already there at the usual table, and the rest of the tavern was bustling with off duty soldiers and servants of the Inquisition. The resident bard was playing lively tunes, and Cullen noticed that a few people were dancing, including Sera.   
  
“C’mon over and join the crew,” Iron Bull shouted, halfway across the tavern already. Cullen went to the bar and ordered a pint of Ferelden stout and went to join Bull and the Chargers. He sat down with Krem and they chatted about the Chargers’ recent mission to scout the ruins of Haven. Afterward Krem and Bull regaled them all with the best stories of their exploits, recounting them in explicit detail.   
  
Cullen was a few pints in and had not realized how much time had passed until he heard a familiar voice behind him.   
  
“Andraste’s ass! They said Curly was enjoying an evening at the Herald’s Rest and I had to come and see it for myself,” Varric said, approaching the table with his own drink in hand.  
  
“Varric! You’re back? The whole party has arrived?” Cullen asked.   
  
The dwarf laughed, “I’ll say. The party has definitely arrived. Sparkler’s with the Seeker and the Inquisitor grabbing drinks as we speak.”  
  
Cullen turned a deep shade of red, looking over to see them approaching the group of tables. Varric slid over from Cullen and yelled to Ellana, “Hey Tiger! I saved you a seat over here between me and Curly!”  
  
Cullen’s could still feel the heat on his cheeks as Ellana sat down next to him. She gave him a small smile and said, “It’s nice to see you.”  
  
“I am glad that you arrived safely Inqui—Ellana.” He returned her smile. It had been so long since he had last seen her. She seemed distracted, wandering in and out of thought.   
  
Cassandra sat down across from them and gave Ellana a very pointed look. He wasn’t sure what it meant, but he knew that the two had grown much closer over their most recent trip. Ellana had said that much in her letters.  
  
“Cullen,” Cassandra said as short greeting.   
  
Cullen nodded to her. “Cassandra. I hope that your most recent excursion went well?”  
  
Dorian interrupted, “Define what you mean by well, Commander. If you call camping for weeks in disgusting, muddy terrain filled with trees and wild animals, sure, it went well. For myself, the best part of the trip was watching Ellana and Cassandra giggle like school girls and braid each other’s hair.”   
  
Varric laughed and Cassandra glared at Dorian.   
  
“Come now Dorian. I’m certain the best part of the trip was when you and Cassandra traded trashy romance novels,” Ellana said with a small laugh, abandoning her thoughts to join in their conversation.   
  
“What about Varric? He was the one brushing his chest hair every morning in camp,” Cassandra exclaimed, noting that she was being ganged up on.  
  
“Now, now Seeker. You don’t need to deny it, we all know you loved the show.” Varric winked at her and Cassandra punched him across the table.   
  
Cullen laughed. “It seems you had quite the adventure. Did you manage to get any work done?”  
  
Ellana laughed, turning to smile at him. Suddenly she stood, extending her hand to him. “Dance with me?” she asked.   
  
Cullen’s face was on fire. He was well aware that the majority of her party was looking at them now.   
  
“Er, sorry, but I don’t really—”  
  
“Suit yourself,” Dorian interjected. “Come on gorgeous, let me spin you around the floor.” He grabbed Ellana’s hand and they took off.   
  
Cullen frowned a little.   
  
“C’mon Curly, you know you’ve got no competition, right?” Varric was looking at him with a smart grin on his face.   
  
“I don’t know what you mean, Varric.”   
  
“Sparkler and the Inquisitor are just friends. Trust me, she’s not even close to his type,” he laughed.   
  
Cullen bristled a bit at Varric’s remarks. He was not jealous of Dorian. He was kicking himself for being so indecisive. Cullen had grown fond of Ellana and he was terrified of letting her know it. He also knew how improper it was, and Cullen valued his integrity above almost everything else. They had become good friends and he did not want to ruin that if Ellana’s feelings did not match his own. Cullen couldn’t deny that he felt the attraction between them, but it was like they were playing a very delicate game of tug-of-war. Every time one of them would get close the other would pull away. He wasn’t sure that they truly felt the same.   
  
“You are a fool, Commander,” Cassandra said. She clearly saw Cullen’s inner monologue playing out on his face.  
  
“Don’t worry Cass. The Commander here will make his move when he’s good and ready,” Iron Bull laughed.   
  
“I fear that may take ages,” she replied.  
  
Cullen looked away, ignoring their conversation.   
  
A few moments later Ellana and Dorian returned, flushed from dancing. Ellana took a long drink of her ale as she sat down.  
  
“So, Cullen, our darling Inquisitor tells me that you’re quite the chess player. Care for a match tomorrow afternoon?” Dorian asked.   
  
Cullen was pleased to know that she had been speaking of him. “I suppose I could spare some time, if Blackwall and Bull are okay with managing the training schedule?”   
  
He looked down the table and Blackwall nodded his agreement.   
  
“Perfect. It’s a date!” Dorian jeered. “Prepare yourself Commander, I do not play nice.”  
  
“I think I’m up for the challenge, mage,” Cullen joked.   
  
He finished up his drink and rose from the table. “Well, I think I should be off. I have a few things to do before sleep, and I should rest up for our match tomorrow, Dorian.”  
  
Ellana rose beside him and asked if Cullen would walk her out. He nodded, offering her his arm. They left together and Cullen noticed a number of intriguing looks from her companions. Maker’s breath, they’re worse than gossiping chantry sisters, he thought. At this moment he could care less. Ellana was laughing happily and waving goodbye to everyone on the way out of the tavern. It was nice to think that for a moment they could be themselves, a brief step back from their roles in the Inquisition. It felt so normal to Cullen, as if he couldn’t imagine it any other way. He wondered if Ellana felt the same.   
  
When they finally made it outside he noticed that it had gotten quite dark, the stars clearly outlining the sky. He felt Ellana stop, though she did not let go of his arm, and he turned to face her.  
  
“Beautiful, isn’t it?” Ellana looked up beside him, regarding the sky with pure joy.   
  
“Absolutely,” he said, not taking his eyes off of her.   
  
His chest tightened, breath hitching in his throat. She turned towards him then and it was all he could do to stop himself from kissing her. She was magnetic, pulling him toward her with an invisible force. He felt her drawing closer to him, brought his arm around her waist—  
  
“Shit! Commander ain’t as uptight as he seems then eh?” Sera cackled from her window in the Herald’s rest.   
  
The effect was immediate and Ellana jumped backward, letting go of his arm quickly, as if she had just been pulled back from a ledge. She looked scared, or maybe relieved? Cullen couldn’t exactly tell.   
  
“Cullen, I… I’m so sorry,” she said, taking off up the stairs to the keep and her quarters.   
  
Cullen shook his head and glared at Sera, who hardly noticed as she rolled around laughing. He made his way up the stairs to the battlements. Cole was sitting there, dangling his feet over the edge.

“Life is delicious, horrible, charming, frightful, sweet, bitter, and that is everything.”   
  
He was not in the mood for the boy’s riddles, and walked past him, trying not to listen.   
  
“She sees it too, but it scares her. There’s nothing more beautiful than the way the ocean refuses to stop kissing the shoreline, no matter how many times it’s sent away.”  
  
“Goodnight Cole,” Cullen said, slamming the door to his quarters.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> The truth is life is delicious, horrible, charming, frightful, sweet, bitter, and that is everything. - Anatole France


	10. Chapter 10

Dorian burst into Cullen’s board with chess set in hand. Cullen was busy organizing reports on his desk. “Come now Commander, you promised me a game! I haven’t had a decent challenger in ages.”  
  
“I am sorry Dorian, but I am a bit busier than I suspected this afternoon,” Cullen said, not looking up directly. He could feel the mage’s eyes on him, no doubt curious about the change of heart.  
  
“Oh my dear, handsome Commander, this wouldn't have anything to do with Sera’s little outburst last night, would it?” Dorian laughed easily at Cullen’s torment.   
  
“You know, the Inquisitor has not come out of her quarters all day. I suspect she’s feeling just as embarrassed as you are.”   
  
Cullen organized the papers on his desk. It was a relief to know that he wasn’t the only one that had been thoroughly embarrassed by Sera’s handiwork.  
  
 “Alright Dorian, one game. Then back to work.”  
  
Dorian smiled as Cullen gave in to his request. “Excellent! I have been greatly looking forward to this.”   
  
They walked down the stairs and into the garden, sitting down and quickly preparing the board.  
  
“Commander, if I may give you some advice,” Dorian said quietly, “The cruelest thing a man can do to a woman is portray her as perfection. It’s an impossible standard for one to live up to.” He paused and then abandoned his serious tone. “Well, save for myself, of course.”  
  
“Of course,” Cullen said, considering Dorian’s statement.   
  
He knew they were speaking of Ellana, and Dorian had a point. They had made her the Inquisitor, sent by Andraste herself to save the world from Corypheus. Cullen knew it weighed down on her. She had told him as much, but anyone would have been able to see it. She took her responsibilities very seriously, and the last person she was ever worried about was herself.  
  
“Come now, shall we begin?” Dorian asked.   
  
They played a few games together, and Cullen had to admit that Dorian was an admirable opponent. A bit of a cheat, as well, when he thought Cullen wasn’t paying attention. He could see why Ellana enjoyed Dorian’s company. The man had an easy wit, and despite all of his jabs and teases Cullen could tell that he was a genuine friend to Ellana. They continued to play, making snide remarks at one another.  
  
“Gloat all you like, I have this one, Dorian.”  
  
“Are you sassing me Commander? I didn’t know you had it in you.”  
  
“Why do I even—Inquisitor!” Cullen said, standing up as she approached.   
  
It was the first he had seen her since the night before.  
  
“Leaving are you? does this mean I win?” Dorian asked.   
  
Ellana smiled and said, “Don’t stop on my account.” She leaned up against the gazebo, staying a few steps away and watching them play.   
  
Cullen sat back down, concentrating on the board. “Alright, your move.”  
  
“You need to come to terms with my inevitable victory,” Dorian said smugly. He crossed his arms and leaned back in his chair in order to enjoy what he thought was his success.  
 “Really? Because I just won and I feel fine!” Cullen replied proudly. He let out a small laugh.  
  
“Don’t get smart, there will be no living with you.”   
  
Dorian nodded to Ellana as he left from the table. Cullen thought he had seen a bit of a wink, as well, though he may have imagined it.   
  
He shifted in the chair. He didn’t want to make her uncomfortable, but he didn’t want things to be awkward between them either. He knew that it was painfully obvious to most that he was taken with the Inquisitor, but the last thing he wanted was for her to feel uncomfortable around him. He wasn’t sure if she had yet realized how greatly he was attracted to her. He could feel something like electricity between them whenever they were close, an indescribable kind of energy. He wondered if she noticed it too.   
  
“I should return to my duties as well…Unless you would care for a game?”  
  
Surprisingly, she accepted his invitation, sitting down across from him.   
  
“Prepare the board, Commander. Although I warn you, I am not as experienced an opponent as Dorian.”  
  
“As a child I played this with my sister. She would get this stuck up grin whenever she won, which was all the time,” he laughed. “My brother and I practiced together for weeks. Ah, the  
look on her face the day I finally won. Between serving the Templars and the Inquisition, I haven’t seen them in years. I wonder if she still plays.”  
 “You have siblings?” Ellana made her move on the board.  
  
“Two sisters, and a brother.”  
  
“Where are they now?”  
  
“They moved to South Reach after the blight. I do not write to them as often as I should. Ah, It’s my turn.”   
  
He countered her move but left another one of his pieces unprotected. Cullen noticed the sly grin on her face when she took the piece, not realizing he had done that on purpose.   
  
“And what of your family? Your clan, that is?” he asked.   
  
It was as if a shadow passed behind her eyes, her expression darkening momentarily. It was there one moment and gone the next, replaced by a small smile.   
  
“I have not heard from my clan since before the conclave,” she said. “I had no siblings and my parents died when I was very young.”  
  
“I am sorry,” he said, “I did not realize.”  
  
She made a small laugh, saying, “You mean to say that Leliana does not actually keeps files on all of us? I thought she knew everyone’s secrets.”   
  
She made another move on the board. She was quite decisive, he noticed, especially for someone who did not know the game so well.   
  
“Not all of them, it seems.”  
“And what of your secrets, Cullen? Hiding anything important?” she winked at him when she said it.   
  
Immediately he felt a cold shiver run up his spine. He had not yet told her about the lyrium, although she knew of his headaches and his lack of sleep. And, of course, there was also that small thing about how he waited for her letters every time she was away, how her smile made him feel like he could come apart at the seams, and that he had wanted to kiss her ever since that day they had talked outside of Haven so long ago.  
  
He quickly changed the subject, feeling those blue eyes burning through him.   
  
“This may be the longest we’ve gone without discussing the Inquisition, or related matters. To be honest, I appreciate the distraction.”  
  
“We should spend more time together,” she said. Cullen felt his heart leap in his chest.  
  
“I would like that,” he replied, meeting her eyes with his.   
  
It was as if the entire world had faded away and they were all that was left.  
  
“Me too.”  
  
Cullen said softly, “You said that.”   
  
He paused, looking back down at the board. He could feel that familiar blush creeping up his cheeks. “We should finish our game, right? My turn?” He moved a piece to put himself in checkmate, although he knew he could have beat her in a couple more moves.   
  
“I believe this one is yours. Well played. We shall have to try again sometime.”  
  
She flashed him a wide smile. “Maybe next time I could win on my own merit, without you throwing the game on purpose?”  
  
Cullen rubbed his neck sheepishly. There was no denying he had let her win. She laughed easily.   
  
“I’m supposed to meet Dorian in the library to do some research, but perhaps I could come by later?” she asked.   
  
“What? Really? I mean yes, of course.” He tried not to let his eagerness show.  
  
“Don’t work too hard,” she said, squeezing his arm quickly before turning to leave the garden and head into the keep.   
  
Cullen sat there grinning in spite of himself. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> The cruelest thing a man can do to a woman is portray her as perfection. - D.H. Lawrence


	11. Chapter 11

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The battlements scene (finally!).

“Come now, it’s painful to watch! Excruciating, in fact. How difficult can it be to just tell the man you care about him?” Dorian had lured Ellana to the library with the expectation of doing research on Corypheus, but instead she was ambushed by Dorian and Cassandra.   
  
“The Tevinter is right. Commander Cullen is hopelessly in love with you, you know. The man can barely speak in your presence. Do us all a favour and put him out of his misery.”  
  
Ellana sighed, throwing her arms into the air. “The two of you are pathetic, you know that? Remind me why we’re friends again?”  
  
“Oh darling, you don’t mean that. You know that you could barely function without us,” Dorian said, crossing his arms and staring her down defiantly.   
  
“Ellana, please, with all seriousness,” Cassandra started, “I can think of no two people more deserving of happiness than you and Cullen. Why won’t you just concede and stop tormenting yourselves? He writes you such beautiful letters.”   
  
“Ugh, I knew it was a mistake to show you those!” Ellana exclaimed, though she had to admit that she was touched by her friend’s sentiment. “Truly,” she said, “I am not sure that I deserve this. Cullen is such a wonderful person. I don’t want to hurt him.”  
  
“He’s a grown man!” Dorian said.  
  
 Cassandra sighed. “In nature, nothing is perfect and everything is perfect. Trees can be contorted, bent in weird ways, and they're still beautiful.”  
  
“My, my—have you secretly been a poet this whole time Seeker? I must admit that I’d like to echo your sentiment,” Dorian said.  
  
They both stared pointedly at Ellana who was shuffling her feet on the floor. Quietly she said, “I asked him if I could come by his office later tonight.”  
  
She watched as Cassandra and Dorian turned to face each other, their expressions triumphant.   
  
“Really? You devil, how you tease us so! But what will you wear?” Dorian clapped his hands together in front of him and she could see his mind racing immediately.   
  
Cassandra giggled, “But what will you say? Are you going to kiss him?”  
  
“ _Fenedhis_ , calm down you two. I’m nervous enough as it is. I haven’t really thought about it. Should I think about it?” she said. There had been so many moments between them, so many opportunities that Ellana knew she had missed. _Including last night, no thanks to Sera_ , she thought.   
  
“I have a few suggestions, though they may scare your poor Commander half to death,” Dorian laughed easily.   
  
“I may be able to suggest a few poems. Perhaps some candles, a picnic basket, and a bottle of wine?” Cassandra said.  
  
Ellana shook her head at them. She appreciated the effort, but they were making her feel ridiculous. “I’m just going to talk to him. I’m not luring him into anything.” She heard an audible huff from Dorian. “I am going to take a bath and then go speak to him, and I had best not see either of you within a hundred paces of those battlements. That’s an order!”   
Her friends laughed as she turned and walked out of the library. They were ridiculous. And wonderful. She wouldn’t trade them for anything.   
  
She had a bath drawn in her quarters and was pleased when she could finally relax into it, adding elfroot and lavender oil. She sat back for a few moments and closed her eyes. She took deep breaths, trying to calm the fluttering in her stomach. It was like she felt electricity running through her fingertips. Was she finally going to tell Cullen how she felt? Was she ready for this? She exhaled slowly and started washing her hair. When she felt thoroughly clean she got out of the bath and dried off, dressing slowly. She brushed out her pale blonde hair, letting it fall softly around her shoulders. She tucked one side of it behind her pointed ear.   
  
Instead of her usual Inquisitor garb she pulled a light grey dress out of her closet, something that Josephine had gotten her ages ago. The material was light and flowing, the straps sitting just off her shoulders and the dress ending in layers of different lengths around her knees. She opted to go barefoot.   
  
Summoning all of her courage, Ellana left her quarters and headed through the keep to the rotunda that lead out to the battlements and Cullen’s office. Varric gave her an approving whistle as she passed him, and she smiled at him but did not slow down. Solas was busy painting as she walked through, and if he noticed her at all he made no indication. She walked across the short strip of the battlements to the front door of Cullen’s office. She paused and took a deep breath, grabbing the doorknob. Her heart was racing and she could not calm her stomach. The sun was setting around Skyhold. With one last breath she entered the office to find Cullen hunched over his desk, working.   
  
“Just leave the report there and I’ll get to it in a moment,” he said, without looking up.   
  
She laughed. She should not have expected anything else. “Do you ever stop working?”   
  
Upon hearing her voice he looked up and stopped short of what he was going to say, staring at her with large eyes. She was pleased that she had taken the extra time to get ready. This is encouraging, she thought.  
  
Cullen finally collected himself and said, “Inquisitor. Is there something you need?”  
  
“Actually, I was hoping we could talk. Do you have a moment? Would you care to take a walk on the battlements?”  
  
Cullen looked pleased, although a bit confused. “On the battlements? Of course.” He opened the door for her and let her walk through, following behind. They walked in silence for a moment or two, coming to the spot where they had run into each other accidentally months before. Ellana remembered the way Cullen had held her hand in his, how calloused and gentle they were. She took a deep breath and tried to concentrate on what she had wanted to say. The words had escaped her.  
  
“It’s a nice day,” Cullen said, interrupting her thoughts.  
  
“What?” Ellana stammered. She was losing her resolve.   
  
“It’s— er, there was something you wished to discuss.”  
  
“Certainly not the weather,” she laughed.   
  
“I assumed that much,” he said. Cullen stared down at her, slowly taking her hand in his. “I, uh, I can’t say I haven’t wondered what I would say to you in this situation.”  
  
 _This is a surprise_ , she thought. “What’s stopping you?” she asked, leaning against the battlement, her heart racing.   
  
Cullen was closing the gap between them, moving toward her. “You’re the Inquisitor. We’re at war, and you…I didn’t think it was possible.”  
  
“And yet I’m still here,” she breathed. He was so close to her now, and she was aching for him.  
  
“So you are. It seems to much to ask, but I want to…” Cullen leaned down to kiss her and she brought her hand to his waist…  
  
“Commander! You wanted a copy of sister Leliana’s report.” They froze immediately as the messenger stepped out toward them and Ellana backed away from Cullen, nearly leaning over the battlement. She wished that she could disappear out of sight.   
  
“What!” Cullen growled, obviously furious at the interruption.  
  
“Sister Leliana’s report? You wanted it delivered without delay.”   
  
At that moment the messenger looked up to see Cullen glaring at him and Ellana watched as realization dawned on his face. If looks could kill, the poor man might have been incinerated by Cullen right on the spot.   
  
“Or to your office! Right,” he said, backing away nervously.   
  
It was another moment lost. Ellana worried that it would never be the right time. Maybe it was a sign that she shouldn’t push this. She looked up to face Cullen, hoping to make a quick exit and escape the embarrassment.  
  
“If you need to go—”   
  
He didn’t let her finish, rushing forward and pulling her into him, kissing her fiercely. She felt everything in that kiss: all the things they hadn’t said, the moments they had missed, the tension between them building to this one moment. She threw her hands around him, returning his fervour. She didn’t want to let go.   
  
Cullen pulled back after a moment and said, softly, “I’m sorry. That was um…really nice.” He blushed at her guiltily.   
  
“I believe that was kiss?” she breathed. “But I can’t be sure, it’s all a blur.”  
  
Cullen grinned. “Yes, well…” he said, moving in to kiss her again.   
  
It was softer this time, longer. She brought her hands up to his head and ran her fingers through his hair while he grabbed her around the waist and pulled her up onto her toes. She sucked on his bottom lip, slowly pulling it toward her. He responded by opening his mouth slightly, letting his tongue out and sliding it between her lips. She was breathless, trying to show him everything that she couldn’t say. After a few moments they pulled apart and Cullen rested his forehead against hers.   
  
“How long have you been wanting to do that?” Ellana asked quietly.   
He laughed, saying, “Longer than I should admit.”   
  
She closed her eyes, taking in the moment and holding it there. It was hard to believe that she wasn’t imagining it—they were actually here, together. Ellana tried not to think of what this meant or how people would react. She just wanted to hold on to this moment for as long as she could.  
  
He kissed the tip of her nose, kissed the vallaslin across her cheeks, then kissed her forehead and drew her close to him. She rested her head against the fur of his cloak, wishing that he didn’t always have to wear his armour.   
  
“Is there any chance we could get you out of this?” she asked, tapping on his breastplate.   
  
She felt Cullen tense slightly, letting out a small gasp. Realizing how it sounded, Ellana quickly backtracked. “Er, no, not like that—I only meant that…Ugh gods, I’m sorry. I only thought we could spend some time together this evening. You know, as ourselves, not as the Commander and the Inquisitor.”   
 She heard him laugh and he said, “I am not very good at this, am I? If I seem unsure it’s because it’s been a long time since I’ve wanted anyone in my life. I wasn’t expecting to find that here. Or you.”  
  
Ellana took a step back, looking up into his amber eyes. She ran her forefinger down the scar across his mouth, then raked her fingers along his stubbled jaw. “You know Cullen, I’m not perfect. There are things that I’ve done…” she trailed off.  
  
“I don’t expect you to be perfect, Ellana. I expect you to be yourself. That’s all I need.”   
  
Her heart swelled. This man meant more to her than she was willing to admit. “Come on, lets get you out of that mail and then maybe we could take a walk? You could come up to my quarters if you’d like. There are excellent views of the valley from there.”   
  
He walked back into his office, but did say anything in agreement. Ellana took note of this as he climbed the ladder up to his loft. She added quickly, “I mean, we don’t have to if you don’t want to.”  
  
She could her Cullen undoing his armour and putting it away. “No, it’s not that I don’t want to,” he said, climbing back down, “but you wouldn’t believe how quickly gossip spreads through the barracks.”He was wearing a simple linen shirt and leather breeches.   
  
“Does that bother you?” she asked.  
  
“I would rather my—our—private affairs remain that way. But if there were nothing here for people to talk about, I would regret it more.” He took her hands and brought it to his lips.   
  
“Would it surprise you to know that people are already talking about it?” she blushed. Seeing his surprise, she quickly said, “I may have mentioned to Cassandra that I have been desperately attracted to you. And Dorian, and Varric. Cole just knew.”  
  
Cullen chuckled, bringing her to his chest and kissing her hair. “Yes, Cole. It’s hard to keep anything from that one.”  
  
“You’re not upset?”   
  
“I’m the happiest I have been in a long time,” he said quietly. “Come, lets see this view you were speaking of.”  
  
Ellana practically skipped into the keep. It was all she could do to stop herself from grabbing Cullen’s hand and leading him up to her quarters. It was into the evening now and the hall was mostly cleared out. She was thankful for that. Although she was not ashamed of her feelings for Cullen, she knew that it was something very new and she was not ready to share yet.   
  
“Way to go Curly!” Varric shouted as they walked passed him. “I’ve gotta go tell Sparkler he needs to pay up.”   
  
Cullen groaned as the dwarf left and Ellana could not help but let out a small giggle. She lead the way to her quarters, opening up the main door and closing it quickly behind them when they were through. She took his hand then and lead him up the stairs. “Have you ever been up here?” she asked, realizing that she was not sure if he had.   
  
“I oversaw the room when they were clearing the debris and assembling your quarters. Since then, no.” He seemed nervous.   
  
It was dark outside and the lamps in her room had been lit. The caps of the mountains glowed in the moonlight, the stars sitting brightly against the onyx sky. She brought Cullen out onto the balcony with her.   
  
“It’s breathtaking,” he said, admiring the view around them.   
  
“I have to admit, it’s my favourite part of this place. Well, that and a specific spot out on the battlements,” she said, winking at him.   
  
She paused for a moment. “Cullen…The fact that I’m Dalish never bothered you?”   
  
She chewed her bottom lip lightly, worried about his response. It had never been something that they had previously spoken of.   
  
“I hadn’t considered…,” he paused, and seeing her concern quickly continued. “Elves weren’t treated differently in the circles I served. I didn’t think what it might mean to you…I hope that doesn’t—I mean, does it, bother you?”  
  
“I don’t know,” she said. “Maybe. If you’re not serious…”  
  
“I am, Ellana. Please do not doubt how greatly I care for you.”   
  
He brought his hand up under her chin, pulling her towards him for a kiss. She was amazed at how quickly he could make her feel like she was coming undone.   
  
_Funny_ , Ellana thought, _how easily life can be one thing rather than another and how accidentally a destiny is made…on the other hand, how accidental fate may seem when things can never turn out other than they do._

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> "In nature, nothing is perfect and everything is perfect. Trees can be contorted, bent in weird ways, and they're still beautiful." — Alice Walker
> 
> "“(...) he walked away understanding, (...) how easily life can be one thing rather than another and how accidentally a destiny is made... on the other hand, how accidental fate may seem when things can never turn out other than they do.” —Philip Roth, from The Human Stain.


	12. Chapter 12

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Cullen tells the Inquisitor about his lyrium addiction right before the battle at Adamant.

Cullen waited impatiently in the war room at Skyhold. Ellana and her team had left a couple of weeks ago to meet Alistair and Hawke in the Western Approach. Her message back was quite concerning: Corypheus had influenced the Wardens to raise an army of demons bound to Warden mages. It seemed that they had fled to Adamant, the old Warden fortress at the very edge of the approach. The Inquisition would need to attack the fortress, and Cullen had been working tirelessly to prepare a plan. The Inquisitor was set to arrive shortly and had requested that the war council assemble immediately upon her return. He was apprehensive. Ellana had left the day after their evening together and they had not spoken since. He had sent her a letter while she was away, but the only response anyone had gotten was about the Wardens.   
  
Cullen sighed wearily. He had gotten little sleep in the past few weeks, and even less after the letter about Adamant had arrived. His head throbbed, pain radiating around his temples. His   
hands were shaking again and he desperately gripped the pommel of his sword in an attempt to make it stop. He felt his skin crawling, his body aching for the relief of that beautiful blue lyrium.  
  
“Argh!” Cullen yelled aloud, trying to force the thoughts from his mind.   
  
“Are you alright, Commander?” Leliana asked, emerging from the shadows of the war room. He couldn’t be sure how long she had been standing there, but Cullen had no doubt that she knew exactly what was causing his agony.   
  
“I will be fine,” he replied through gritted teeth.  
  
Josephine entered with the Inquisitor then, and Cullen tried his best to regain his composure, taking his usual place at the war table. The Inquisitor’s face wore a grim expression and Cullen knew that she would be set on marching for Adamant immediately. She was obviously quite concerned about what they had found in the Western Approach. Cullen’s mind was in a fog. He was aware of their conversation, interjecting his comments about the strategy they could employ to enter the fortress, but he did not feel present. He wasn’t sure that the Inquisitor noticed; she was focused strictly on the task at hand. It was for the best, Cullen thought, as he hadn’t yet told her about the lyrium. He wanted to, but he did not want her to think that he was incapable of fulfilling his duty to the Inquisition.   
  
“Alright. Leliana, please send your scouts ahead to watch the fortress. Commander, send word ahead to Rylen to prepare the troops already stationed in the Approach. We will leave with our forces at daybreak,” the Inqusitor ordered.   
  
The advisors began to disband to make preparations. Cullen was slow to leave, realizing that the Inquisitor remained behind, staring at the war table. He waited, quietly watching her. The pressure in his skull was becoming unbearable. Cassandra had been keeping a close eye on him, of course, but he felt she should know. Cullen had been entrusted with their army, their battle plan. He didn’t want to lose her trust. Ellana leaned over the table, tracing over it with her forefinger. He could tell that she was looking at the coast of the Free Marches, though he was not entirely sure why. Sometimes she was impossible to read, despite how desperately he wanted to know what she was thinking.   
  
_It’s now or never_ , he thought.  
  
He cleared his throat. “As leader of the Inquisition you—There’s something I must tell you.”  
  
She turned to face him. “Whatever it is I’m willing to listen.”  
  
“Right. Thank you,” he sighed, then continued. “Lyrium grants Templars our abilities, but it controls us as well. Those cut off suffer. Some go mad, others die. We’ve secured a reliable source of Lyrium for the Templars here, but I no longer take it.” Cullen was surprised at how easily he said it, how calm he sounded.

She looked at him, surprised: “You stopped?”  
  
“When I joined the Inquisition. It’s been months now.”  
  
“Why are you doing this?” She looked concerned. Everyone know that templars suffered terribly from lyrium withdrawal. There were very few who had ever considered doing it voluntarily.   
  
“After what happened in Kirkwall I couldn’t. I will not be bound to the order, or that life any longer. Whatever the suffering, I accept it, but I would not put the Inquisition at risk. I’ve asked Cassandra to watch me. If my ability to lead is compromised, I will be relieved from duty.”  
  
She paused for a moment, her face softening. “Are you in pain?”  
  
“I can endure it,” he replied.   
  
She closed the space between them, taking his hand with hers. It was so small in comparison to his own, but he could feel her strength. “Thank you for telling me,” she said. “I respect what you’re doing.”  
  
He knew he was looking at Ellana then, not the Inquisitor. Sometimes it was difficult to separate themselves from their roles. The lines blurred together so easily, just as they were now. At that moment he wanted nothing more than to take her in his arms and confess the pain, the want, the need to feel lyrium in his veins. But he knew that in this moment he needed her to be the Inquisitor, to understand that he was still a capable Commander, and that he would not allow this to interfere with his job. He let go of her hand.   
  
“Thank you, Inquisitor. The Inquisition’s army must always take priority. Should anything happen, I will defer to Cassandra’s judgement.”  
  
He turned and walked out of the war room. He could not be around her right now, not like this. He was so ashamed at his earlier outburst—for a moment he nearly let this inner demon win out. Cullen needed to be on his own. He walked back to his tower and climbed the ladder to his loft. He painstakingly removed his armour, focusing his attention anywhere but on his own thoughts. Tomorrow he needed to be every bit the Commander. He knew the march to the Western Approach would be a difficult one. He climbed into bed, remembering that the Inquisitor and her team would be riding with the troops. He groaned and turned on his side to let a fitful sleep take him.   
  
***  
They were approaching Adamant and would soon begin their siege. The trip across Orlais to the Western Approach had been excruciating for Cullen. The travelling itself was fine, but his mind was in agony. They had met little resistance and their troops were in good spirits. Although the Inquisitor and her team were travelling with them she made it plain that she was avoiding him and she and Cullen had barely spoken a word to one another. He knew that this was his fault. The morning after their talk in the war room he had awoken with a sinking feeling of regret. He had closed himself off to her quite pointedly when all she had wanted to do was support him. Their relationship was complicated by their ranks in the Inquisition, but of course Ellana knew this as well. He had disregarded her feelings, pushing her away from him as hard as he could with only two sentences.   
  
Now he just wanted to fix it. He had thought of approaching her, to try and explain, or apologize. But they were always surrounded and he could never find the right time. Or the right words. _Maker, you are a fool Cullen Rutherford_ , he cursed himself. He would catch glimpses of her riding along the line and talking or joking with the soldiers, or often see her riding quietly beside Cassandra, the Seeker acting as her shield against everything else.  
  
“You shouldn’t brood, you know. It will give you wrinkles,” Dorian said, riding up beside him. The mage eyed him with his usual coy smile. The man always looked like he knew more than anyone else. Cullen didn’t doubt that he might—for all his sarcasm and jokes, Cullen knew that Dorian was quite an adept observer.  
  
“Something I can help you with, Master Pavus?” Cullen said weakly.  
  
Dorian feigned offence and said, “Come now, surely we are better friends than that!” Abandoning his joking tone he said, “In all seriousness Cullen, you need to stop worrying about this. Just go and talk to her. She cares for you, and I know that you more than care for her. This is foolish.”  
  
Cullen shook his head. He knew that Dorian and Cassandra were two of Ellana’s closest friends and that she had likely mentioned something to them. Or that the two of them had pried it out of her, more likely.   
  
“She doesn’t deserve this. She should not have to bear my burden,” Cullen said quietly.   
  
“ _Kaffas!_ Cullen, do not be absurd. She may be a fearsome warrior and the leader of this Inquisition, but do not forget that she is also a woman. Not to mention a Dalish elf who is far away from her clan and her home and responsible for the fate of all of Thedas. None of those things she has chosen. But she has chosen you, and I suspect that yours are burdens she would like to bear. Because she has a choice. One that you have seemingly disregarded, and now you make it worse by ignoring her entirely. We’re marching into a demon filled fortress controlled by Corypheus. Surely this is the last thing she needs.”  
  
Cullen sighed and brought a hand up to rub his temple, closing his eyes. He felt a headache creeping in, pressure slowly building. “I know that I was wrong, Dorian, so terribly wrong. I realized my mistake almost instantly, but I wasn’t sure how to tell her. She’s such an amazing person—I am humbled by her every day. She’s like a star that burns too brightly, and you know it may soon go out. She is giving everything she can to this cause and asking nothing in return. I do not want to take from her what she cannot give. Who am I to demand so much attention from such a woman?”   
  
“You cannot take from her that which she is willing to give freely,” a soft voice said from behind them.   
  
Cullen jumped at the sound, his eyes shooting open. He felt sick. Ellana was behind them; she had certainly heard everything. Or enough for Cullen to feel thoroughly embarrassed. He should have been telling all of this to her, not Dorian.  
  
The mage gave him a very sharp look, and then smiled and turned his horse away to trot farther down the line away from them. Ellana slowly came up beside him, matching their pace.   
  
“Cullen, I—”  
  
“No, Ellana. I owe you my deepest apologies,” he said, cutting her off. He wanted to get this out while he could. If he gave him too much time to think he knew that he wouldn’t be able to get the words out. “I am so sorry for what happened in the war room. I brought a wall down between us and I knew it instantly. I should have done something, said something. But I am afraid. I joined the Templar Order because I thought that it was an honourable calling, that I would be standing for something greater than myself. But it has not been easy and I have been full of doubts. The lyrium is my demon, a constant reminder of everything that I have done wrong. I am trying to be a better man, but I am not the kind of man that you deserve.”   
  
“And what of the man that I _want_ , Cullen? Who are you to determine what I deserve?” She paused, regarding him curiously. He could not quite read it, but her eyes looked sad. “We all have past. I have stayed and become the Inquisitor, but it is not out of honour or selflessness. We are all seeking retribution in our own ways.”  
  
He reached out his hand to hers and intertwined their fingers. He wanted to do so much more, to tell her the true depth of his feelings, but this was enough for now. Dorian was right, though Cullen would never tell him that directly for fear of the inevitable gloating that would follow it.   
  
They arrived outside Adamant soon after and Cullen assumed his post directing the siege. They broke through the gates and the Inquisitor and her team arrived. They would be fighting their way through the fortress to get to Commander Clarel. It was not going to be easy.  
  
“We’ll keep the main host of demons occupied as long as we can,” Cullen said.  
  
“I’ll be fine, just keep the men safe,” she said.  
  
“We’ll do what we have to, Inquisitor.” He wished he could tell her to be careful, to come back to him. “Warden Alistair will guard your back. Hawke is with our soldiers on the battlements. He’s assisting them until you arrive. If you can clear out the enemies on the battlements, we’ll cover your advance.”  
  
She nodded, turning to follow the Warden up to the battlements. Cullen turned to join his men on the ladders and direct the battle as best he could. It was all he could do for her now. _Just do your job and let her do hers_ , he thought.  
  
They had been fighting for nearly an hour. Some of the Wardens had surrendered to the Inquisitor, withdrawing from the fight and appearing outside the fortress. It was a good sign, but Cullen knew that they needed more time. The dragon appeared over head then, screaming fiercely and directing his energy to the centre of the fortress. His heart raced, but he tried to keep his mind on the battle, pressing forward.   
  
A few moments later he watched as the dragon cornered a group of people up on the battlements. Despite the chaos around him, Cullen could not help but watch. He knew that Ellana must be up there. A blast of light shot the dragon back and he felt relieved. That relief quickly escaped him as he watched the old battlement crumble. The group gathered there were running as quickly as they could to escape the falling rock, but it overtook them. Cullen watched in horror as they began to fall in the great chasm below. There was a flash of green as the veil was torn open, swallowing up the Inquisitor and her companions, and closing quickly behind them.   
  
Cullen screamed in agony, pressing forward to the fortress with greater rage than he had ever known.   
  



	13. Chapter 13

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Ah, the fade.

They were physically in the fade, falling in through the rift that Ellana had opened. Hawke and Alistair had been in the fade previously, in dreams, and Ellana had come through the fade at the conclave. She was starting to collect her memories thanks to Divine Justinia, or her spirit, or a demon who resembled her—it was difficult to tell. At the moment they followed her through the fade in order to find their way out. It was a horrible place, full of terror and despair, and it was only made worse when the fear demon started talking to each of them, pulling out their worst fears. Each of her companions tried to ignore the demon, disregard his sharp words, but they all knew they were edged in truth. The voice was deep and resonant, settling around them like the damp cold seeps into your bones. The group kept walking, finding another dead end. They turned back and tried another path. They were coming to an opening now, getting closer.  
  
Ellana gripped her sword in front of her and put on a brave face, but inside she felt sick, her stomach churning. She knew the demon would come to her next. It was waiting until the point that it could do the greatest damage, and it did.  
  
“And you, Inquisitor. They will all find out that you are not the hero they think you are. Have you told them how you came to the conclave? How you let your clan be slaughtered? Did you tell them that your love died at your hand?” its voice bellowed over them.

Ellana could feel the demon pulling the truth out from inside of her. It was like small splinters under her skin, prickling and poking. She knew that her companions had heard it all. Varric was eyeing her closely, and she felt Cassandra’s questioning look.  
  
“They will never trust you, not really. They chose you, the Dalish elf, because you are expendable. You deserve to die.”  
  
“ _Ar tu na’din,_ ” she shouted, angrily walking forward. She refused to look at her companions. She knew that in doing so she would fall apart. They knew now, or at least they had an inkling that their Inquisitor was not who they thought. There would be no going back from this now.  
  
The demon was ahead—a horrible looking thing with a long, thin body and many arms. Ellana ran forward, bringing down her blade with as much force as she could. She saw arrows and spells flying, Cassandra and Alistair rushing forward with swords and shields. Eventually they had slain the nightmare, and the group began to run for the breach. Ellana watched with relief as Dorian, Varric, and Cassandra made it through the rift, but the massive demon came down in their path, cutting off Ellana, Alistair and Hawke. It was impossible—there would be no way out. Cullen flashed in her mind now, her heart aching. She quickly pushed it away as she heard Alistair and Hawke arguing. She knew what they were asking.  
  
Hawke took her sword and ran at the demon, slicing into it with a fierce battle cry. There was nothing more they could do. Alistair and Ellana ran forward to the rift, leaving Hawke behind. _More blood on my hands_ , Ellana thought sadly.  
  
They had emerged from the rift to find that they were back in the centre of the keep. Ellana closed it behind her. She noticed Cassandra standing far away from her, keeping her distance.  
  
When Varric asked where Hawke was, it was all Ellana could do to stop herself from collapsing. She could not look him in the eye. She could only shake her head. Ellana had decided to banish the Wardens, knowing they were still susceptible to Corypheus. It seemed harsh, but she wanted to ensure that they were removed from danger. She was sick of watching people die around her.  
  
She saw Cullen enter the central part of the keep. She was terribly dizzy and stumbled backward. She looked down to see the gash across her abdomen, dark blood pooling from the wound. Her armour must have been punctured—she hadn’t even noticed. Cullen rushed forward to her as she fell into darkness.  
  
  
_Ellana felt herself pressed up against someone, strong arms holding her close against his chest. It was familiar to her, but it didn’t quite feel real. Her head was resting on a strong chest, felt it rising and falling, and she heard the continuous rhythm of a heartbeat. Her eyes opened slowly and she turned, looking up above her. It was dark, the sky full of stars, and she saw the huge sails of an aravel overhead. She shot up immediately, her back rigid. She looked back and saw a familiar handsome face, a mess of brown hair, and pointed ears._  
  
_“Taedyn?” she breathed._  
  
_“Ma’arlath, are you alright?” He sat up, stroking her hair and pulling him in close to her._  
  
_This is wrong, she thought. It is impossible._  
  
_“You’re dead,” she whispered._  
  
_He nodded._  
  
_“Am I…,” she could not finish the thought. Could not say it out loud._  
  
_“No,” he said, shaking his head._  
  
_“But how?”_  
  
_“You were cut open by the demon. Your friends are working to heal you now.”_  
  
_Ellana shook her head. This was too confusing. She looked around for a moment, thinking she was still in the fade through some horrible accident._  
  
_“I am like a dream, Ellana. We are not in the fade, but in your mind. You called me here.”_  
  
_She took him in with her eyes. He was just as she remembered. She reached out to him, cupping his cheek with her hand. “I am sorry that you died,” she said quietly. “I am sorry that I could not love you enough…That I could not love you like you deserved…,” she stammered, tears falling freely now._  
  
_“Hush now, don’t cry. I won’t leave you until you close your eyes,” he said, brushing her tears away. “You were never meant to love me, and I think you know that now. None of what happened was your fault. You need to let it go. It is a weight that holds you down, little bird. You need to let yourself fly. You were never meant to be trapped by me.” He laughed, a deep melody._  
  
_She closed her eyes and took it in, remembering the sound so clearly. She felt a kiss on her cheeks as everything faded away._  
  
  
Ellana’s eyes fluttered open. Solas was sitting next to her, bandaging up her abdomen, and she realized that she was in a tent. “Lethallan, I am glad that you are awake. I am sorry that I could not fully heal your wound. I am afraid it will leave a scar.”  
  
Before she could say anything the tent flap flew open and Cullen rushed in. He sat down on the cot and pulled her close to him, wrapping his arms around her tightly. He kissed her on the head and whispered, “Thank the Maker you are alright. If you had been left in the fade—.” He did not finish. Ellana brought her mouth up to his and kissed him fiercely, wrapping one of her hands around the back of his neck and pulling him into her.  
  
She heard Solas cough awkwardly beside them and she pulled away. “I will go tell the others that you are awake,” he said, leaving her alone with Cullen.  It was then that she realized that all she was wearing was a breast band and small clothes and a bandage across her abdomen. She blushed and looked around for a blanket or some clothing. Cullen removed his cloak immediately and wrapped it around her. She saw the concern written across his face, those warm amber eyes taking her in.

 _You were never meant to love me. I think you know that now._ Taedyn’s words played in her thoughts and she was overcome with the realization. It was staring her straight in the face. “Cullen, I need to tell you—.”  
  
“Thank the Maker you are alright! Please let us never, ever, enter the fade again. Did I say ever?” Dorian burst through the tent flap, having no consideration for any interruption he may be making. Ellana lost her nerve immediately. Her conversation with Cullen would have to wait. “Solas told us that you are awake and alright. Now put some clothes on and come out to sit by the fire with us. Everyone wants to see you with their own eyes.”  
  
He left just as quickly as he had entered. He did not seem phased at all by what he had heard in the fade. Ellana knew she didn’t have to worry about Dorian. She was worried about seeing Cassandra, and Varric…  
  
Cullen pulled her close again and gave her another kiss. “Perhaps we can speak later when we know there won’t be any interruptions. We should join the others outside. I am sure they will want to know that their fearless leader is alright.” He got up and grabbed a pile of clothes from a table nearby. He unfolded the tunic and helped her to put it on. “You have been out for a few days while we have been travelling. We’re in central Orlais now, and we have a while to go before we will be back at Skyhold. Please do not do anything to strain your injuries. You will need to take it easy.”  
  
Ellana slipped on her breeches and boots and pulled Cullen’s cloak back over her shoulders. He grinned at her and offered his hand to help her up. They emerged from the tent to a large fire, surrounded on all sides by her companions. Iron Bull, Sera, and Blackwall were laughing together on one side, Cole sat silently beside Varric and patted him on the shoulder, and Dorian, Cassandra, and Solas stood talking quietly. They all looked up as Ellana emerged, save for Varric.  
  
“Hey Boss! You’re looking good, considering,” Bull said, raising his cup to her. Ellana nodded in his direction. No one else said anything. She looked up to meet Cassandra’s eyes and could see the Seeker was searching her gaze. Now she knew that Ellana had been keeping things from her, despite how close they had become. She knew that had to hurt Cassandra, who was so slow to trust any one.  
  
“I am not what you think I am,” Ellana said suddenly. “I don’t know what you have been told about our time in the fade, but the demon said things about my past…the reason I was at the conclave. I am sick of hiding this, waiting for it to be found out and held against me. I want all of you to hear it from me and you can judge me of your own accord.”  
  
She held their rapt attention now. She heard Cullen shift uncomfortably but he did not leave her side. She continued quickly before the courage left her.  
  
“I was one of the strongest warriors of my clan. My parents had died when I was young and I did not have any siblings. I grew up closely with two others of a similar age, Taedyn and his sister Alais. Taedyn was handsome and clever, a strong hunter, and a good friend. He had loved me since we were children and his affection grew over time. We were to be bonded—married, that is. I cared for him greatly, but I knew that I did not love him in the same way, and that his feelings were much more than mine. I was terrified.”  
  
Even Varric was looking up now. Cullen was avoiding looking at her directly but she knew that he was listening intently.  
  
“Alais knew that I did not love Taedyn, and she came to me the night before our bonding. She told me that this was my duty to the clan, that we would be a strong pair, and we could help to lead it in the years to come. She said that we would have beautiful children, and that Taedyn would make me happy if I let him. After she left, I panicked. I waited until the clan was asleep and I gathered my things and snuck away. I knew that I could not marry him, but that he would be devastated. I could not bear to see it.” The tears started rolling down her cheeks now as she recalled the memory of that night.  
  
“I was a mile or so away when I started to hear the screams. I turned and saw smoke coming in billowing clouds from the camp. I ran back as fast as I could. A large group of bandits had nearly surrounded the camp and attacked shortly after I had left. By the time I made it back the aravels were aflame and my people were scattered everywhere. Some had fallen, but many were still fighting. I drew my sword and cut down as many as I could. It took nearly an hour to get them all. I found Alais holding our Keeper, who had been killed by one of the bandits. Two of our hunters carried Taedyn into the centre of camp…he was covered in blood and just barely breathing. He died in my arms. I was our strongest, I was the one who protected the clan and I left them on their own. Their blood is on my hands. ”  
  
I was at the conclave because I was cast out of my clan. I thought if I could find out more information about the rebellion I could send word to them, protect them somehow. I was in the wrong place at the wrong time. I am no hero, I have no honour. I could not even fulfill my duty to my people. My place in the Inquisition is all an accident.”  
  
The silence was palpable. It was plain to see that none of them knew what to say.  
  
“He knew you did not love him, but he did not know how to free you from it. Tradition, history, duty all knotted together. How can you even start to smooth the tangles?”  Cole was speaking quietly and Ellana turned to him, stunned. “ _Ir abelas, ma’arlath_. How do you tell a bird it is no longer allowed to fly? You cannot help what you are.”  
  
Ellana got up and hugged him then, holding on tightly to the boy . She cried for a few moments, sobs wracking her body. She had been holding on to this for so long, so terrified of telling any of them. How could they fight with someone who abandoned her entire clan to be slaughtered? How could they ever trust her again? She let go of Cole eventually and turned to face the rest of her companions.  
  
“I have been with you every moment since you fell out of the fade in Haven. Never once have I doubted your heart,” Cassandra said. Ellana moved toward her and hugged her. Although she was taken by surprise, Cassandra returned the gesture.  
  
“We can see what you have put into this cause. The decisions you make are not easy and this burden has been thrust onto you. But you have carried it. It has been an honour serving by your side,” Blackwall said.  
  
Her cheeks were still wet with tears, her heart felt near to bursting. She could not imagine how it was that she had ended up here, how she had come to deserve such wonderful friends. Ellana was overwhelmed and exhausted. Cullen came up behind her and drew her into his arms. She let herself be carried into the tent and he laid her down on the cot. He pulled a blanket up over her and leaned over to kiss her forehead. He started to get up and Ellana grabbed his hand, pulling him back.  
  
“Stay with me. Please,” she said. She was so overwhelmed by everything. The burden of her past had been unloaded from her so suddenly that she could not determine how she felt. Cullen had said nothing of her past, and she didn't want to talk to him about it now, but she wanted to know that it was alright.

He silently climbed onto the cot with her, sliding under the blanket. He pulled her against him, the warmth of his body enveloping her. She breathed in the deep smell of pine and earth, and let the world slip away as sleep took them.  


**Notes for the Chapter:**

> "Hush now don't cry / it's just a lullaby / I won't leave you / til you close your eyes." - Catherine Feeny "Hush Now"


	14. Chapter 14

They had so few moments where they could be themselves, be on their own and enjoy each other’s company without someone interrupting them. The threat of Corypheus hung over them like a thundercloud, waiting for the sky to crack open and rain down on them. Thinking back, Cullen was certain he could count on one hand the number of times they had been truly alone.  
  
They had returned from Halamshiral a few days ago and Cullen fondly remembered his dance with Ellana at the end of the evening—even if he had been stumbling and awkward, it was perfect as far as he was concerned. But it had been a fleeting few minutes. They had returned to Skyhold to more reports, more meetings, more audiences with nobles…and on it went. Their relationship was a series of fits and starts that was built upon their mutual attraction, but Cullen had no idea what she truly wanted or what any of this meant.   
  
At Adamant, when he had seen her fall into the fade, it was as if his heart had been torn from his chest and left in its wake a chasm that he knew could never be filled. He loved her, most ardently. She was this beautiful soul who gave everything without asking for anything in return, who put everyone else above herself. Cullen had known that his feelings for her were growing, taking root down inside of him, but he was only fully aware of how strongly it gripped him when he thought that he had lost her. He hadn’t told her any of this, of course. He was not yet sure how she felt, although she did seem to enjoy spending time with him. He did not want to push her into anything that she wasn’t ready for, and by the Maker it wasn’t as though she didn’t have enough on her plate. The last thing he wanted to do was complicate things.   
  
They had both been working so much lately, and although he wasn’t yet ready to tell Ellana the true extent of his feelings for her, he still wanted to do something for her that showed him how much he cared. He had planned a trip for them to visit Honnleath and asked her to accompany him on business. He was hoping for it to be a nice surprise and a good break from Inquisition business. Cullen collected his pack, left his office, and headed to the stables in order to meet Ellana. She was already there when he arrived.  
  
“Eager to get going?” Cullen asked in greeting. His stomach did a flip when she grinned back at him.   
  
“I’m curious about the kind of _business_ we could be conducting in Ferelden with just the two of us and a small Inquisition guard. And to be perfectly honest I’m itching to get out of Skyhold before Josephine makes me talk to any more nobles. I’ve heard enough Orlesian snobs whispering knife-ear behind my back to last a lifetime!” she laughed easily.   
  
Cullen noticed that she seemed quite relaxed already and it made him happy. She had foregone her usual plate armour for a set of battle leathers and a travelling cloak, though her great sword was still strapped to her back.   
  
They mounted up and trotted out of the front of Skyhold with four guards accompanying them. Cullen had hoped they would truly be alone, but Leliana and Josephine had demanded a small escort. Cullen had agreed reluctantly, seeing no other option. He was confident that Leliana’s scouts were following them as well, though they would stay out of sight unless they were needed. Unfortunately he needed to resign himself to the fact that the nature of their jobs may never allow for true privacy. If that was the price he needed to pay to be with her, he would do so gladly.  
  
“Can you give me a hint?” she asked, eyeing him playfully. It was nice to see her smiling so easily.  
  
“You mean Ferelden wasn’t enough of a lead for you?” he joked. She rolled her eyes at him.   
  
“Will I need to use my sword?”  
  
He laughed. “Maker, I hope not.”  
  
“How long is the ride from Skyhold?”  
  
“Not too long.”  
  
“Should I have packed a formal outfit?”  
  
“No, nothing like that.”  
  
“Did you bring anything other than your armour to wear?”  
  
“I might have. Maker’s breath, what’s with all of the questions? Just trust me,” he said.   
  
“Fine,” she huffed, feigning anger. Then she gave him a sly grin. “Race me?” she shouted, taking off on her horse.   
  
Cullen immediately gave chase, laughing heartily as they ran down the road together. Eventually they stopped, not wanting to tire the horses, and continued amiably as they rode. It was not a particularly difficult trip into southern Ferelden and it allowed them to talk and joke throughout the ride. Cullen could not think of another time in recent memory when he had been so able to relax. The warmth of it radiated through him, giving him the courage to follow through on his plans for their trip.   
  
They set camp outside Honnleath, not far from the lake where he hoped to take Ellana. He had lain out a blanket near the fire and set out some bread, cheese, and fruit for their dinner. Ellana sat down across from him, crossing her legs.   
  
“You know,” she said, “this is quite the effort to go through for a business trip.”  
  
Cullen beamed back at her. He could not help himself. “You’ve caught me. This trip has nothing to do with business at all. I thought you could use the break.”   
  
“Good, because I’ve brought this,” she said, holding up a vintage wine bottle that was no doubt stolen from the Skyhold cellar. “A present from Dorian. He told me it would come in handy.”  
  
Cullen blushed immediately, feeling the warmth climbing across his cheeks. Ellana uncorked the bottle with a seductive grin and took a large drink from it, and then handed it to Cullen.   
  
“We’re not standing on ceremony, then? If only Josephine could see you now,” he said, taking a long drink of his own.   
  
“Right back at you, _Commander_ ,” she teased.   
  
“Maker, Ellana, you are so lovely,” he said before he could stop himself. Now she was blushing, caught off guard by his forwardness. Cullen moved toward her now before he could lose his nerve, sweeping his arm behind her back and pulling him to her in a single motion. Her eyes widened at him and she drew her hand up to trace the scar along his lip. She moved her hand up into his hair and grabbed at his curls, bringing his face down to hers so that she could kiss him deeply. He reciprocated, bringing his free hand up to the back of her neck and supporting her as he slowly laid her back on the blanket. He moved his mouth across her jawline, down her neck, and across her collarbone. Ellana arched her hips up toward him and pulled at his cloak. He brought his lips back to hers, ran his hand along her silhouette. He was caught up with the scent of her hair, the feeling of her lips on his, the rise and fall of her breath beneath him. It was all he could do to maintain his composure. He wanted nothing more to lose himself in this moment, to forget Corypheus, the red lyrium, the Inquisition—but he stopped himself. He had brought her here for a reason,  and he wanted to tell her how much she meant to him before it was too late.  He drew back from her, smiling, and kissed her forehead.   
  
“Ellana, there’s something I wanted to show you. I don’t want you to think this was my only motive for our trip,” he said, sitting up.   
  
“I would not mind if it was,” she simpered. She let out a sigh and stood to oblige him. Her face was flushed. Cullen rose to meet her, taking her hand in his. It was a short walk from here to the lake, and they went slowly, enjoying cool evening air. Cullen tried not to let his nerves get the best of him, thinking over everything he wanted to say. They followed the worn path which eventually opened up before them, revealing the dock leading out to the lake.  
  
“Where are we?” Ellana asked curiously.  
  
He walked with her to the end of the dock, leaning up against the wooden post at its edge. “You walk into danger everyday. I wanted to take you away from that, if only for a moment. I grew up not far from here. This place was always quiet.”  
  
“Did you come here often?”  
  
“I loved my siblings, but they were very loud. I would come here to clear my head. Of course they always found me eventually,” he laughed, remembering them fondly. He really did not write to Mia as often as he should.  
  
“You were happy here.”  
  
“I was. I still am.” Cullen look at her, hoping she understood. She made him so inexplicably happy. It was impossible to convey to her how much she meant to him.   
  
“While we’re here, you have me all to your self,” she said quietly.  
  
“The thought may have crossed my mind,”he replied. In that moment it was all he could do to stop himself from rushing to her, drawing her in. Cullen paused, silence settling between him. He had been planning on giving her his coin for so long now, had put so much preparation in to this trip. He wanted her to know.   
  
“The last time I was here was the day I left for templar training. My brother gave me this,” he said, opening his palm to show her the silver coin. “It just happened to be in his pocket but he said it was for luck. Templars are not supposed to carry such things. Our faith should see us through.”  
  
She smiled. “A little luck can’t hurt every now and then.”  
  
“No, I suppose not,” he said, turning to face her directly. “I should have died during the blight, or at Kirkwall, or Haven… Take your pick. And yet, I made it back here.” Cullen held out his hand to her then, passing the coin to her. “Humour me. You don’t know what you’ll face before the end. This can’t hurt.”  
  
“I’ll keep it safe,” she said, taking it from him and placing it in her pocket.   
  
Cullen smiled at her then.“Good. I know it’s foolish but… I’m glad.” A part of him could not believe that this moment was real, this amazing woman standing here before him in the place of his fondest memories. He pulled her close then, touching his forehead to hers, and then leaned down to kiss her. He never wanted to leave.   
  
“I thought I had lost you at Adamant,” he said quietly. He remembered the moment she had fallen into the fade so distinctly—the gut-wrenching dread that had washed over him. “You cannot know how relieved I was when I walked into that courtyard to see you standing there. I was so worried about you while you were unconscious those few days.”   
  
“I wanted to talk to you about that, actually. We’ve just never really had time,” she paused then and Cullen watched as she collected her thoughts. “I was wondering how you felt about me. I mean, after you heard about…well, my clan, and, Taedyn, I guess. It’s just that you didn’t say anything, and then we spent the night together—I mean not together, but, oh _Fenedhis_ , I need to stop talking,” she stammered. Cullen couldn't help but smile. It was nice to know that he wasn’t the only one who was bad at this.  
  
“We all have a past, and we all have things that we are not proud of. I know that more than most,” Cullen said. “I am in no place to judge you and I do not intend to. I just want you to be happy.”  
  
“It’s just that I hadn’t expected this, with you. I don’t know how things will play out with Corypheus, or with the Inquisition. How long do I keep playing Inquisitor? Keep pretending I’m the Herald of a god that I don’t even believe in?  What if we can’t separate who we are from our positions in the Inquisition?” the doubt had crept across her face, the corners of her mouth turned down. Cullen could tell that she was overwhelmed.   
  
“None of us can predict the future. We can hope for the best, but we cannot know. Let us focus on the present and enjoy what time we can. We will work through the rest as it comes,” he said. He brushed a strand of hair behind her ear and leaned in kiss her tenderly.    
  
Ellana pulled her lips away from his and whispered, “How badly do you think the Inquisition needs us, anyway? We could just stay here together. Sleep under the stars together every night, lay around the lake, live off the land—that sort of thing.”   
  
“That sounds perfect,” he breathed. “There’s nowhere else I’d rather be.” He took her hands in his, bringing them to his lips and kissing them gently.   
  
“I thought so long about running away,” she said quietly. “I was terrified when I first woke up in Haven with Cassandra interrogating me and all I could think about was how I could escape. Then there was the breach, and then Corypheus, and Adamant—and the whole time my past with my clan lingered in the back of my mind. I still thought about running.” She looked up at him now, those big blue eyes piercing through him. “But then there was you.”  
  
“Ellana, I—,” he stuttered. He wanted to tell her how he felt, truly. But the words wouldn’t come out properly.  
  
“Come on Cullen, lets head back to camp. We’ve still got some wine to finish,” she said, pulling him with her.   
  
He followed her back to camp, his heart full to bursting. He would follow her anywhere. 


	15. Chapter 15

“The Dales have seen such conflict. And yet, they’re still so beautiful,” Cassandra said that evening as they were sitting around camp. The Emerald Graves were beautiful, although they made Ellana sad. Everywhere there were such beautiful ruins of once great elven places—her heart ached for them.  
  
They were well protected in the middle of a ruin, surrounded by trees on one side. It allowed the party to relax a bit and Ellana felt they had earned it. They had been trekking across all of central Orlais, going here and there as the Inquisition needed them to. The battle against Corypheus was drawing closer and Ellana knew it was making all of them tense. She and her team had been travelling for months and many of Cullen’s letters were Inquisition business, thoroughly reading as though they were from her Commander. Outside of that he had only seemed to have the time to write her a handful of times, none of which had truly sated her need for him.   
  
Ellana sighed, removing her plate mail and setting it down next to her near the campfire. Cassandra was seated near her sharpening her sword, Varric was writing, and Dorian appeared to be napping—though Ellana knew he was likely listening intently for snippets of gossip.  
  
“Everything alright?” Cassandra asked. She and Ellana had become close friends over the past couple of years, amazingly. Ellana was glad; Cassandra was fiercely loyal, honest, and considerate. There was hardly a better combination.   
  
“I’m just getting a bit tired of being on the road. It’s been months since we’ve seen Skyhold. I’m looking forward to heading back,” she replied.  
  
“Right, I’m sure that us getting back to Skyhold has nothing to do with a certain handsome Commander,” Varric chuckled.   
  
Ellana did not immediately respond. She pulled out the coin Cullen had given her, tracing over it with her fingers. They had spent a wonderful couple of days travelling through Ferelden, although the contingent of Inquisition guards hadn’t exactly allowed for privacy. Since then she and Cullen had both been working, separated for months. She wondered if it would always be this way, the demands of the world taking priority over their relationship. If it could be called that, of course. At times it felt like more of a diversion than anything else. They never had time to truly figure out what was going on between them, but Ellana knew that it made her happy. Perhaps that was enough.  
  
“Trouble in paradise?” Dorian had opened his eyes and was looking at her curiously. He was likely intrigued by her lack of snappy response to Varric.  
  
She shook her head at him. “It’s fine. I’m just not exactly sure what I’ve gotten myself into. It’s an evening here or there every few months, letters back and forth—but I’m not sure what else it could be. I do not hold any illusions about this war with Corypheus and what it means for both of us. I am not naive. I know what my chances are.”   
  
“Take care darling. That savours strongly of bitterness,” Dorian said.  
  
Cassandra spoke quietly to Ellana. “You are not happy with what it is. And what do you want it to be?”  
  
Ellana’s mind immediately flashed to that evening at the lake near Honnleath. She had asked Cullen if he would abandon the Inquisition with her, live in the woods and never leave. He had thought she was joking. She was, initially, but she also knew that deep down a part of her wanted it so desperately. Cullen had been so carefree on that trip, laughing and joking with her, relaxing by the fire and drinking wine with her while she lay her head across his chest. For that brief moment it was as though nothing existed outside of that beautiful camp on the lake and the two of them could stay there forever. But reality had struck them quickly and forcefully the next morning when they needed to return to Skyhold.  
  
It was such a loaded question.  
  
“I try not to think about it but I feel like I couldn’t do anything even if I wanted to. Everything is out of my control.”  
  
Cassandra nodded in understanding.   
  
“You can’t worry about the future, Tiger. You just gotta focus on the moment and make the most  of it. Take control of it while you can, and don’t worry about it when you can’t. Maker knows you’ve got enough shit going on to keep you occupied,” Varric said.  
  
“Well at the moment I’m going to focus on getting some sleep. I want to get up early so that we can make it back to Skyhold in good time. Make sure you all get some rest as well,” Ellana said, grabbing her armour and heading to her tent. She slid into her bedroll and lay flat on her back, staring up at the top of her tent. She thought about Cullen, likely still awake in his office working on a stack of reports. She wondered if he would get any sleep tonight, or if he had gotten any at all. How was it that this man could occupy so many of her thoughts? Ellana rolled onto her side and tried to imagine those strong arms wrapped around her as she fell asleep.   
  
Despite Varric’s continued inability to wake up on time, they had made relatively good time back to Skyhold. As they came through the gates they were greeted by a few of their companions, namely Bull, Sera, and Cole, and Josephine was on hand to immediately brief Ellana with a number of reports. Cullen was noticeably absent. They had sent word ahead to give a time for their arrival, and he had recently made it a habit to meet her at the stables or in the courtyard when she returned from her trips, but he was nowhere to be seen.   
  
Ellana frowned, and the ambassador picked up on it quickly. Ever the perceptive woman, Josephine was easily able to decipher the problem. “Commander Cullen has been very preoccupied of late. Obsessively so,” she said.  
  
“With what?” Ellana asked.  
  
“It’s Samson, my lady. It seems he has gotten under the Commander’s skin.”  
  
Ellana sighed. She should have known.   
“Josie, can these reports wait? I’d like to go speak to Cullen myself.”   
  
Josephine nodded her understanding, turning to head into the keep. Ellana climbed the steps to the battlements and went straight for Cullen’s office. He hardly noticed when she opened the door, bent over his desk and fully engrossed in whatever it was he was reading.   
  
“It seems like you’re right where I left you,” Ellana said. Cullen looked up at the sound of her voice, but it a took a moment for recognition to set in. He was obviously quite distracted.   
  
“Inquisitor! I did not realize that your party had returned already,” he said.   
  
“Yes, well, it seems you’re fairly busy,” she replied, annoyed. Cullen did not pick up on it.   
  
“I am reading some of the red lyrium research. I don’t understand how Samson became so powerful. Even with red lyrium his glory days are long behind him,” he picked up his papers.   
  
It had been months since they had seen one another. She had fallen asleep wishing that he was holding her, and here they were standing just paces apart and it seemed as though he hardly cared. She felt anger burning in the pit of her stomach.   
  
“Well, we were able to intercept his caravans in the Emerald Graves. It looks like his base of operation is in Sahrnia. Perhaps I should have my team resupply and head out as soon as we can,” Ellana said curtly.   
  
“If you think that’s best,” he said, looking up at her. She could feel her temperature rising. Ellana watched his face change with the realization that she was angry.   
  
“Absolutely. I’ve only been away, what, three months? Let me sleep in my own quarters for an evening and I’ll be ready to go and fulfill your personal vendetta, Commander,” she spat venomously.  
  
“What? No, Inqui—Ellana. I didn’t mean…Look, I’m sorry. I was distracted. I am glad that you’re back and you do not need to leave so suddenly,” he said, trying to put out the fire that he had started. He moved to take her hand, but she drew away from him quickly.   
  
“Now it’s Ellana, is it? _Creators_ Cullen, what are we doing? We can’t help what we are, can we? You are responsible for an entire army, and I am expected to defeat a darkspawn magister on behalf of the entire Inquisition. It was stupid to think that whatever this is would be anything more than a distraction.”  
  
Cullen looked as though she had knocked the wind out of him.   
  
“You can’t truly mean that,” he said, looking at her determinedly.   
  
Ellana tried to maintain her composure. It was too complicated. She knew she had been foolish to think that they could so easily manage their work and their relationship, that it could be separated into neat little boxes. It was never that easy. “I can’t afford to feel this way every time you need to focus on work instead of me, and it’s not fair for you to have to balance that either. Perhaps we should just focus on our mission for now. We can worry about whatever is between us later.”  
  
He stared at the floor then, and it was all she could do to keep herself from running to him. Every time she tried to manage their relationship by drawing neat little lines they were always disrupted. Sometimes you can't stop them from intersecting, now matter how strongly you wished they were parallel.   
  
“Well, if this what you want,” he said.   
  
_This is the last thing that I want_ , she thought.   
  
“Right, well, I will leave for Sahrnia in a few days and seek out Samson’s operation. If you have any further information please have it sent to my quarters,” she said coldly, turning and leaving his office as quickly as she could. She could not bring herself to look back at him.   
  
She knew she had a stack of reports awaiting her, that she would need to speak to her other advisors, and that she should likely call a war council meeting. But there was no way Ellana could deal with any of that right now. She immediately made for the Herald’s Rest.   
  
The crowded, buzzing with activity. Ellana didn’t mind as it made it more difficult for people to spot her. Although she normally had no problem spending time getting to know the soldiers and scouts, she was in no mood for that right now. She she stepped up to the bar and ordered a stiff Ferelden whisky from Cabot. He raised an eyebrow at her but said nothing as he handed over the glass. Ellana brought it to her lips and knocked it back, drinking down the glass in a single motion.   
  
“I’ll take another,” she said, slamming it down on the bar. He refilled her glass and she repeated the process. After the third drink she started to feel a tingling down her spine.  
  
“Easy Boss, you don’t want to get too far ahead of yourself,” a deep voice boomed as it came to meet her at the bar.   
  
“Sorry Bull, but the last thing I want to do is talk. Are you talking, or are you drinking?” she said, motioning to her glass.   
  
He gave her a small smile and then turned to Cabot an said, “I’ll have what the boss is having.” He took the glass and raised it up to her, and Ellana clinked her glass to his before they both drank them down.  
  
Things were starting to get fuzzy, and Ellana knew she needed to sit. They took their next refill and went to sit in their usual place in the corner of the bar and found that Dorian and Varric were already seated there playing cards. Cole sat in a dark corner nearby, his eyes taking in everything.   
  
“Ellana, darling, you smell like a distillery,” Dorian said pointedly, wrinkling his nose at her.  
  
“Ellana? Don’t you mean _Inquisitor_? Don’t try and build me up to think I’m anything more than this,” she slurred, waving her left hand above the table. The green mark on her hand flashed brightly with a crackling sound.   
  
“Maker’s balls! Don’t just go waving that shit around,” Varric said, slapping down her hand. “What’s gotten in to you?”  
  
She couldn’t deal with this—with any of them. She got up from the table and pushed her way through the bar. When she got outside the fresh air was a welcome change, but it did little to stop the buzz that she felt through her body. She made her way up through the keep and into her quarters without too much interference. Anyone who looked at her would have known better than to speak to her, and she was glad of it.   
  
The first thing she noticed was the pile of reports on her desk; so many had accumulated while she was away. Next to her desk was a pile of gifts, no doubt from suitors or from nobles trying to gain Inquisition favour. Seeing them fuelled her rage.   
  
“Argh!” she yelled, kicking them across the room.   
  
She fell to her knees then, the anger flowing out of her. The tears came next, and quickly they became sobs. She couldn’t stop them.   
  
“It’s okay to let the pain out,” a small voice said. She was suddenly aware of Cole hugging her against his chest.   
  
“I’m a weapon. A solution to their problem. The last resort. The Inquisitor—the martyr that fell into their laps,” she cried.   
  
“He hates when he hurts you. Wants to tell you the truth, but it scares him.” Cole whispered. “Safe and solid, protecting and proud. He feels like quiet, stronger when you hold him.”  
  
Ellana knew that she had made a mistake. She quieted after a few moments, resting against Cole. She felt herself slipping away to sleep. She would talk to Cullen in the morning.  
  


**Notes for the Chapter:**

> "Take care my love, that savours strongly of bitterness."
> 
> Mrs Gardiner to Elizabeth Bennet, Pride and Prejudice (2007) film


	16. Chapter 16

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Just wanted to say thanks to everyone who's still reading. I know it's been a few days since my last update—I hit a bit of writer's block so I'm still going through some drafts for the next couple of chapters. Glad you're still enjoying the story!

Cullen fell back against his desk the moment the door had slammed behind her. He tried to steady himself, tried to stand upright. His hands were shaking violently and his head pounded. He had so badly wanted to meet her at the gate when she arrived, to take her into his arms and kiss her, but he couldn’t let anyone see him in this state. It had been agony while Ellana had been away. Without her the withdrawal seemed unbearable. He barely slept at all, and only ate when he feared he might pass out from hunger—he was too nauseated otherwise. The thing that had kept him going without her had been his want to find Samson. He replaced his need for lyrium with his need to find his former colleague; it seemed to be the only thing that kept him distracted enough to take the edge off. He hadn’t even been able to send her letters. He couldn’t tell her any of this, lest she think him weak or incapable. Without his position in the Inquisition Cullen was nothing, just a washed up ex-templar and a lyrium addict.  
  
When she had come in to speak to him Cullen had tried to stay focused on work. He knew he would fall apart the moment she touched him, the last bit of foundation holding him up would crumble when her eyes met his. She did not deserve this. His burden was not one she had asked for, and he would not force her to bear it, not when she had had so much else thrust upon her.  
  
He left his office and stalked across the battlements, pacing back and forth. The cold air helped, and he tried to take in as much of it as he could. After an hour or so he returned to his office and attempted to go through some of his paper work but the words swam before his eyes. He was sweating now. Reluctantly he climbed the ladder to his loft, took off his armour and undressed. He climbed into his bed and he lay back and began to recite the Canticle of Transfigurations. It did little to ease his pain. It was very dark now, the moonlight peeking in from the hole in his roof. Cullen tried not to think about Ellana. Tried not to wish for her to be there with him, tried not to wish that he was a better man.  
  
_“You’re leaving, then?” she said sleepily from her bedroll. Cullen stood at the flap of the tent, his back to her as he tried to quietly sneak out. He turned to face her._  
  
_“I did not mean to wake you. I thought it best for the guard not to see us coming from the same tent in the morning. You know how quickly the rumours can spread,” he said._  
  
_“They saw you follow me in here after we spent the night around the fire drinking wine. The rumours will get out any way. We might as well give them some truth,” she said, sitting up. “You should stay. I want you, Cullen.”_  
  
_He shook his head. He wanted her too, but not like this. Not in camp surrounded by curious Inquisition soldiers. He loved her and wanted her to know that he meant it. He walked back to the bedroll and leaned down to kiss her deeply. She was breathless when he finally pulled away._  
  
_“I want you too, Ellana. But I want to do this right. I want to be everything that you deserve,” he said, leaving the tent._  
  
Cullen awoke in a cold sweat, his bedsheets soaked around him. There was sunlight streaming in through his roof now, the light stinging his eyes. He sat up, throwing off the sheets and rising clumsily. It took him a painfully long time to dress and put on his armour. His body ached, his head pounded, and his fingers were stiff and fumbling. He could not take this any longer. He didn’t know how he could withstand it.  
  
He slid down the ladder and walked out of his office and down the stairs from the battlements into the courtyard to find Cassandra. She was already training. As he drew closer he cringed in pain each time he heard the sound of her sword connecting with the training dummy. It was excruciating inside his head.  
  
Cassandra saw him approaching and stopped what she was doing. As soon as she got a good look at Cullen she sheathed her sword and said, “Commander, are you alright?”  
  
Cullen shook his head. “I need to talk to you Cassandra. Privately.”  
  
She said nothing and immediately lead him into the armoury. Cullen had asked Cassandra to keep an eye on him, and she knew of his withdrawals. He was positive that she knew why he was here.  
  
“I cannot bear this any longer. It is too painful. I am unable to maintain my position as Commander and I ask you to relieve me of duty.”  
  
Cullen watched as she considered what he had said. “Over the course of the time that I was travelling with the Inquisitor we still received your regular reports, and Leliana said nothing of your inability to maintain your responsibilities. I do not understand. Perhaps you need a break, or some rest. Solas has a tea which may assist you with your headaches,” she said.  
  
Cullen shook his head. She did not understand. “No, Cassandra. I am not fit to command the Inquisition’s forces. Not in this state. I am unworthy of the charge.”  
  
“You are too hard on yourself, Cullen. You have been doing fine. You simply cannot push yourself to the bring of exhaustion. You must find a balance between working and dealing with your withdrawals. You must sleep, you must eat, and you must take time to relax.”  
  
“You don’t understand!” he yelled. “You are supposed to make decisions when I cannot. You must remove me from my charge.”  
  
“You asked for my opinion and I have given it. Why would you expect it to change?”  
  
“I expect you to keep your word. It’s relentless! I can’t—”  
  
“You give yourself too little credit.”  
  
He was angry. This was not a discussion. He needed her to make a decision. “If I’m unable to fulfill what vows I kept then nothing good has come of this! Would you rather save face than admit—” he noticed Ellana standing there, likely having come into the armoury to find Cassandra. She looked sad, her eyes a bit swollen, as though she had been crying. He did not know how much she had heard, but he could not deal with this right now.  He turned away from Cassandra and quickly walked past Ellana through the door, mumbling “Forgive me.”  
  
He needed to be stronger, needed to do what was expected of him. The Inquisition had a trusted supply of lyrium. He could take it again, give himself the strength to be what they needed. No, he was no longer a templar, but he was the Commander of the Inquisition. He needed to act like it.  
  
He stalked back up to his office with a determined stride. He walked to his desk, bending down to the bottom drawer and lifting up the stack of papers to look at the small wooden box that was hidden there. He pulled it out and laid it on top of his desk, not yet daring to lift the lid. It was calling to him, the liquid vial sitting so easily in his reach. Cullen did not make this decision lightly. It would undo all of the time he had spent trying to work the substance out of his system. It would negate all of the headaches, the shakes, the itch that had lived under his skin. He opened the lid of the box slowly, starting at the blue lyrium inside. He could feel the hum of it and it made his heart race. He clenched and unclenched his fist. His hand moved to touch the glass vial, running his finger in a line across the surface.  
  
_“How badly do you think the Inquisition needs us, anyway? We could just stay here together.”_ His mind flashed to the lake, to Ellana. He saw the smile on her face, thought of the excitement that bubbled up inside him when she had asked him to run away.  
  
He looked down to see his hand resting on the vial of lyrium and something snapped inside him. Cullen slammed the lid shut, grabbing the box and throwing it as hard as he could against the wall. He heard a small gasp and looked up to see Ellana standing in the doorway. He had missed her by inches.  
  
“Maker’s breath! I didn’t hear you enter. I—,” he straightened, shaking his head. He had come so close…“Forgive me.”  
  
“Cullen, if you need to talk…,” she said, walking slowly toward him. He was so glad that she was here. He started to come around his desk and moved toward her.  
  
“You don’t have to—ugh,” he said, stumbling and grabbing for the side of his desk. Ellana’s reflexes reacted immediately and she moved to steady him. _This is all wrong_ , Cullen thought. He waved his arm outward, pushing her away. “I never meant for this to interfere.”  
  
“I believe you,” she said quietly.  
  
“For whatever good it does, promises mean nothing if I cannot keep them,” he said. He wanted her to understand. He steadied himself and stood up. He could hold back no longer; the pain poured out from him now. “You asked what happened to Fereldan’s Circle. It was taken over by abominations. The Templars— _my friends_ —were slaughtered. I was tortured. They tried to break my mind and I—How can you be the same person after that? Still, I wanted to serve. They sent me to Kirkwall. I trusted my Knight Commander and for what, hmm? Her fear of mages ended in madness. Kirkwall’s circle fell. Innocent people died in the streets. Can’t you see why I want nothing to do with that life?”  
  
Ellana started toward him, saying, “Of course I can! I—.”  
  
“Don’t!” he interrupted, his voice ragged. He could not stand the kindness he heard in her voice. He did not deserve it. “You should be questioning what I’ve done! I thought this would be better, that I would regain some control over my life, but I… these thoughts won’t leave me! How many live depend on our success? I swore myself to this cause. I will not give less to the Inquisition than I did The Chantry! I should be taking it!” He turned to punch his bookshelf, expelling the rage that had been living inside of him. A number of things crashed from the shelf to the floor. How could he have let if come to this? “I should be taking it,” he breathed through clenched teeth.  
  
Cullen could feel her hand on his arm. Her voice was soft as she said, “This doesn’t have to be about the Inquisition. Is this what _you_ want?”  
  
Cullen sighed. He did not want to give up on all of the progress he had made. The withdrawals had been torturous, but he had been making it through. He did not want to give up now. Not when he knew that Ellana was thinking of him and what he wanted, not what the Inquisition needed. “No. But these memories have always haunted me. If they become worse—if I cannot endure this…,” he trailed off.  
  
“You can,” she said. It was something about the way she looked at him that made Cullen feel like it might be possible. He would do this, not for the Inquisition, but for himself.  
  
“Alright,” he said quietly.  
  
She pulled away, looking as though she was going to leave. When she was nearly at the door she turned around again and strode back to him, throwing herself into his arms.  
  
“I am so sorry Cullen. For last night, for how I spoke to you. I did not know how much you had been suffering and I was thinking only of myself. Please forgive me?” she said, looking up at him.  
  
 He wrapped his arms around her, pulling her tight against his chest. Cullen exhaled, releasing the tension between them. It had been months since he had held her and he was aching for this feeling. Nothing else put him so at ease. He felt Ellana push back from his chest lightly, stepping up onto her toes and pressing her lips up to his. She kissed him tenderly, her lips softly pulling at his own. Cullen could feel the acknowledgement of what was building between them. More than attraction, past lust, the depth of this feeling had taken root and grown beyond their notice. They weren’t ready to say it yet, but it was there, deeply and undeniably.  



	17. Chapter 17

_“I wanted to thank you. When you came to see me…,” Cullen sighed. “If there’s anything—This_  
 _sounded much better in my head.”_  
  
 _“I trust you’re feeling better?”_  
  
 _“I… yes.”_  
  
 _“Is it always that bad?”_  
  
 _“The pain comes and goes. Sometimes I feel as if I’m back there. I should not have pushed myself so far that day.”_  
  
 _“I’m just glad you’re alright,” Ellana smiled warmly._  
  
 _“I am. I’ve never told anyone what truly happened to me at Fereldan’s circle. I was… not_  
 _myself after that. I was angry. For years that anger blinded me. I’m not proud of the man that_  
 _made me. Now I can put some distance between myself and everything that happened. It’s a start.”_  
  
 _“For what it’s worth, I like who you are now.”_  
  
 _“Even after…?”_  
  
 _“Cullen, I care about you. You’ve done nothing to change that.”_  
  
 _“What about you? You have troubles of your own. How are you holding up?”_  
  
 _“I’ve met good people here. Knowing they have my back… it helps.”_  
  
 _“You certainly keep interesting company,” he laughed. “I suppose I do as well.”_  
  
  
The Iron Bull’s massive hand flashed in front of Ellana’s face, interrupting the pleasant memory from the last day she had been at Skyhold before leaving for Emprise Du Lion.   
  
“Sorry to interrupt your sexy Commander daydream, Boss, but we gotta get a move on here,” he laughed. Ellana’s face immediately reddened.   
  
“Oh Bull, leave her alone,” Dorian said, uncharacteristically in defending Ellana from the teasing. “Our dear Inquisitor has not bedded the Commander yet. Believe me, I’ve got money riding on it.” He looked over at Varric, who was grinning.   
  
These were probably the only people in the world that she would ever be so open with. She certainly had to agree with Cullen when he said she kept interesting company—she knew what most of the nobility thought of her rag-tag group of companions. But they were hers, and she loved them.   
  
“If Cassandra was here she would punch you both in the face. You know it’s not fair to gang up on me. Not everyone’s as open about their sex lives as you and Dorian, Bull,” Ellana said.  
  
Bull chuckled and Dorian pretended to be offended. It had been a surprise at first when the news came out, especially considering the endless amount of insults that had been traded between the Qunari spy and the Tevinter mage, but it made them both happy. Then again, Ellana supposed, it wasn’t much different than the elven Inquisitor and her human Commander. She laughed at the thought. For better or worse the Inquisition really had brought them all together.  
  
Ellana stood up and strapped her greatsword across her back and then pulled on her gauntlets. They had been in Emprise du Lion for a couple of weeks now, working to help the town of Sahrnia and clear out as many red templars as they could before they had gone to clear out the quarry, hoping to find Samson. The thought of him caused Ellana’s stomach to wrench with anger. He was knowingly serving a monster, spreading the corruption of red lyrium everywhere he went. Ellana knew that it weighed heavily on Cullen. Although he never said it directly she knew that Cullen saw himself reflected in Samson. Every time Samson came up it triggered Cullen’s rage, his fixation on what might have been him. She would be all too happy to get rid of the reminder. Unfortunately Samson was long gone by the time they arrived. They had gotten some information from their search of the quarry, but there was little they could do with it before returning to Skyhold.  
  
Ellana joined her group of companions on their mounts and started the ride back. She hoped that Cullen would not react too severely to the news. They would get Samson—she would make sure of that. She had sent information ahead, and as per Cullen’s thoughts they had Dagna working on the red lyrium samples. They hadn’t been able to find Samson, but they could find his weakness.   
  
As soon as they arrived in Skyhold Ellana made directly for the battlements, heading for Cullen’s office. They had been in the Emprise for a few weeks, and she had missed him. It was immediately apparent when she arrived that Cullen was distracted, and definitely in full Commander mode. “No red lyrium, no allies, and soon Samson will have no armour, I hope. Dagna’s started work on her red lyrium samples, but she needs more details on the armour. We found orders in the mine. They mention Maddox. A name I did not expect to hear.”  
  
Ellana took a breath. Despite what she wanted in this moment, it was obvious that she needed to be the Inquisitor. She asked, “Another voice from your past?”  
  
Cullen nodded. “In a way. This is complicated. Maddox was a mage in Kirkwall’s circle. Samson smuggled letters between him and his sweetheart. Eventually he was caught and cast out of the circle. Maddox was made tranquil, and became a skilled craftsman of magical items. Samson must have…rescued him.”  
  
“Having an inside man among Samson’s forces would be invaluable, if we could convince him,” she responded.  
  
“I couldn’t say. I’ve lived around tranquil most of my life and i’ve never understood them. It  seems Maddox built Samson’s armour and maintains it still. Tranquil in Kirkwall needed rare and expensive supplies for their enchantments—supplies we can trace. I can have our men kick down some doors, Inquisitor. Samson’s armour might lead us right to his stronghold,” Cullen said.  
  
“We will find him,” she said. Ellana watched as Cullen reviewed some parchment from his desk, lost in thought. She hated competing with Samson for Cullen’s attention. The sooner they could find him and take him down, the better. She studied Cullen for a few moments, his brow furrowed as he concentrated on reports. It was amazing how oblivious he could be, totally absorbed. He loved his job, she knew, and there was no one more dedicated.   
 Cullen brought his eyes up to hers, suddenly aware that she was standing there silently. He brought his hand up to rub the back of his neck. “Was there something else, Inquisitor?”   
  
Ellana strode over to him, grabbed his coat, and pulled his mouth to hers in one quick motion. She felt his surprise dissipate as he returned her kiss, bringing his arms around her and pulling her closer. After a few moments she pulled back from him. “I think you’re finished work for the day, Commander. Dinner?”   
  
He smiled down at her. “Of course. I am sorry, I know that I have been occupied of late. But I have missed you.”   
  
“I’ve missed you, too,” she said, taking his hand.  
  
***  
  
Within the next couple of days Cullen’s search for supplies had turned up a location for Samson’s base of operations. He was excited and immediately wanted to follow up, even venturing so far as to leave Skyhold with the Inquisitor in order to chase down the lead. This made Ellana uneasy, though she could not exactly pinpoint why. So far it had been an amiable trip; she had brought Dorian, Iron Bull, and Varric along, and though they teased her relentlessly about Cullen’s presence, she knew it was all in good fun. Cullen seemed not to notice, as he was too wrapped up in getting to Samson, and kept the group at a punishing pace. After nearly two days of solid riding, they were getting close to approaching their destination as the sun was setting.   
  
“You know Curly,” Varric shouted ahead, “I can appreciate that you’re a man on a mission here, but it’s getting late and we should probably make camp.”  
  
Dorian soon chimed in, and said, “Yes, please let me off of this Maker forsaken mount.”  
  
It seemed that Cullen had not heard them, continuing on, but Ellana could hear him muttering under his breath. She knew that he would rush into Samson’s hideout in an instant if he could, but she also know that it would be reckless. She sped up her mount in order to trot beside him.  
  
“We can consider a strategy for tomorrow. It wouldn’t hurt to go in with a more thought out plan,” she said.   
  
Cullen shook his head, visibly torn. “Inquisitor, we’re so close! What if we lose him? He could be alerted to our presence and all of our work will have been in vain.”  
  
Ellana was a bit surprised at this. Cullen was usually so level headed—she was certain that he would have appealed to the idea of a sound strategy.   
  
“Cullen, please,” she said with a soft tone, appealing to the man and not the commander.   
  
He turned to her, realizing that the plea was from the woman who cared about him and not the Inquisitor. Sighing, he slowed his mount and made for a secluded area off of the main road, offering them good cover and a safe place to set camp.   
  
The group began to set up, fully aware that they would need to be ready to leave quickly come sunrise. Cullen was determinedly setting up his equipment and had visibly separated himself from the easy banter of the other companions. Ellana regarded him with concern, noticing his visible agitation and the fact that he was muttering to himself.   
  
“I know that your dashing Commander is dedicated to his work, but this is ludicrous—even for him,” Dorian said, lounging near the fire that he had started for the camp.   
  
“You should do something to take his mind off things, Boss,” Bull said, clapping the Inquisitor on the back. Ellana visibly lurched forward from the force. She picked herself up from where she was sitting and moved over to Cullen. He seemed too distracted to notice her approaching.  
  
She reached out to him and ran a hand down his arm. He dropped his pack and spun around the face her, forming an immediately defensive position and partly drawing his sword. Upon realizing that it was Ellana, he sheathed it and said, “Maker, you startled me!”  
  
“I’m not surprised,” she replied. “It seems like you’re miles away. Are you alright?”  
  
“I’m fine,” he said flatly.  
  
She reached out and took his hand. “Come on Cullen, I know that’s not true. Talk to me.”  
  
He did not immediately react to this, seemingly content to silently hold her hand in silence. Ellana felt a wall being put up between them, with Cullen’s tense breaths building it up brick by brick.   
  
“Look, I know this is about Samson. But I promise that we’ll get him Cullen. He will get everything he deserves and more,” she said.   
  
Cullen dropped her hand, looking as if she had wounded him. His voice rose angrily out of him, saying, “What does he deserve, then? He is the monster that the Order made him; they practically pushed him into Corypheus’ hands! Why him when it could have so easily been so many others? It could have been me.”  
  
“But it isn’t you, Cullen,” she protested, moving toward him.   
  
He stepped back from her, turning away. Cullen’s voice was quieter then, a slow, determined whisper, as he said, “It still could be me, you know. I still want it, crave it even. It claws at me still.”  
  
“You’re strong, Cullen. One of the most determined people that I’ve ever met. You are nothing like Samson,” she said.   
  
He gave out a hollow laugh at that, rubbing his hand across his forehead. Bending down, he picked up his sack and started to make for his tent. Ellana heard him say from over his shoulder, “We move again at sunrise. Goodnight, Inquisitor.”  
  
She bit down on her lower lip, her chest tightening. She was fighting every instinct to go after him. She heard someone move up to stand beside her, and a reassuring hand was placed on her arm.   
  
“He’ll be alright. He’s been chasing these demons for a long time. You’ve gotta let him fight this one on his own,” Varric said knowingly.   
  
“That doesn’t make it any easier,” she said, heading toward her own tent.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I know it looks like I've fallen off the face of the earth. Not to worry - just life throwing a few curve balls. I'm hoping to get back down to it and finish this story. Here's a short update with more to follow.


	18. Chapter 18

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This chapter is NSFW and contains the infamous, glorious desk scene. I was really stressing about the writing of that scene, so I hope you enjoy - and would also welcome any constructive feedback.

Samson had known they were coming. By the time they had made it to the Shrine of Dumat it was already in flames. Anger was coursing through Cullen, severely disappointed in himself for allowing this to happen. They should not have stopped the night before. Had he made a better argument to the group they might have understood the risk, carried on, and Samson would have not have eluded them. Again.  
  
The ride back had been a near silent one, with each of the companions giving Cullen a wide berth. Ellana kept a notable distance as well, and though Cullen knew he should say something, he was at a loss. His drive to apprehend Samson was difficult to explain. Every time Cullen thought of Samson he saw himself reflected there. Samson had been removed from the Order, ultimately, for his kindness. Cullen himself had made far worse decisions, and although he was not as cruel as some Templars chose to be, he knew that he had not always acted in kindness. They were both lyrium addicts and former Templars. Cullen was with the Inquisition and Samson was with Corypheus, but Cullen knew that their situations could have easily been reversed if circumstances were different. He needed to know that in some way he and Samson were different. He wanted this to be more than circumstance, wanted to know that it all meant something.   
  
When they had returned to Skyhold empty handed Cullen had thrown everything he had at trying to track Samson down. Ellana herself was quite busy travelling all over Orlais, so Cullen saw very little of her. They communicated through short letters which were mostly updates and very little emotion — the Inquisitor to the Commander, and vice versa. For the next couple of weeks they both threw themselves into work. This was how the Inquisition found itself leading an expedition of sorts to the Arbor Wilds, on Morrigan’s recommendation, in order to intercept an Elven articfact, an eluvian, before Corypheus could reach it.   
  
They had spoken very little before the Inquisitor and her companions had set out, and Cullen was preoccupied with engaging the enemy in the wilds. After what seemed like ages they had watched from the wilds as Corypheus had fled the temple, and his troops retreated soon after. Cullen redirected his group to the temple immediately, and after seeing the first signs of a very difficult struggle he started to worry. They followed the visible damage and destruction, but the temple was eerily quiet. His heart was pounding as they came out to the clearing in the courtyard. They found Samson, unconscious, but the Inquisitor and her companions were nowhere in sight. A thorough search of the area revealed little else, save for the broken eluvian at the edge of an empty pool. Cullen prayed to the Maker that they had made it out alive, and wished he had said something, anything, to Ellana before she had left. He had been an idiot. He was so consumed with his hunt for Samson that he had thought of little else, and he realized that Ellana had likely thrown herself into her work out of her disappointment with him. Their relationship had fallen back on its usual dilemma: were they meant to be Commander and Inquisitor, or Cullen and Ellana? Was it even possible to be both? It was as though they were trying to dance the same waltz using two different sets of steps.  
  
They received a raven from the Inquisitor during their slow march back to Skyhold. It had been a relief to know that she was safe. Upon their return Samson was brought before her immediately for judgement. Cullen was tense as he stood in the great hall waiting for her decision, and was shocked when the Inquisitor declared that not only was Samson going to live, but that Cullen himself would be Samson’s handler. Cullen was able to maintain professionalism within the hall, but as soon as he was permitted to leave he stalked back to his tower. After riding back from the wilds with Samson it was quickly revealed that he and Cullen had very little in common. Samson showed no remorse for what he had done. It seemed he was just as hungry for power as he was for lyrium, and that he was very acutely aware of his actions. Cullen never wanted to see the man again, let alone be his handler for the rest of his sorry life.   
  
He was taking out his anger on a practice dummy when Ellana walked in. The words spilled out before he could stop himself.  
  
“Samson took everything from those templars. He corrupted their souls. Twisted them against everything they stood against, everything they would have hated.”  
  
Ellana stood with her hands crossed over her chest, mouth set in a hard line. “You’re letting Samson get to you,” she said.  
  
“What if I am?” Cullen said sharply. “The red lyrium left Samson’s mind unaltered. He knew what he was doing. He dare speak as though it were a mercy? The man’s a monster. I pray his information is useful. His life is good for little else.”  
  
“You knew Samson. You don’t even feel a little sympathy for him?”  
  
“I may have once, but after what he’s done, my sympathies lie with those he betrayed. They will extend no further. The red templars needed to be torn down. We’ve broken Corypheus’ army. I might have known some of them. If my life had gone differently, I might have been one of them…,” he paused then, regarding her carefully. It all came back to this, his place in the Inquisition. The Inquisition itself, in fact. Was it meant to be this way, or simply chance that it had turned out as it had?  
  
Softly, he asked, “Do you ever wonder what would have happened if you hadn’t been at the Conclave, if you’d never become the Inquisitor?”  
  
She smiled then, stepping towards him. “A life without you? Never.”   
  
He closed the gap between them, taking her hands in his. “I am so sorry for the past few weeks. For what happened before we reached the Shrine of Dumat… I’ve been so preoccupied with Samson, and I should have communicated my apprehension to you. It seems strange now that he’s sitting in Skyhold’s dungeon. It doesn’t feel like I thought it would.”  
  
“I am surprised that you are not elated that we apprehended him,” she said.   
  
“Oh, I am pleased that he has finally been torn down. I guess I just thought that I would find some peace in it, some understanding. That’s all,” he said quietly.   
  
She was staring up at him with those piercing, perceptive eyes. Sometimes Cullen felt as though she could see into his very soul.   
  
“You are a good man, Cullen Rutherford. The peace that you’re seeking cannot be found with Samson, or anyone else. Only with you,” she said, placing one of her slender hands over his heart and leaning up to kiss him on the cheek.   
  
“I’ve got to go meet with Josephine, and I expect it to go through the evening. Perhaps I could come back later tonight?”  
  
Cullen took her hand and kissed it lightly. “I have a few things to catch up on myself, but I would very much like to see you this evening.”  
  
With that, Ellana turned and left, closing the door lightly behind her.  Cullen turned to his desk and sighed at the stack of reports and papers he found there. It was going to be a very long afternoon.   
  
***  
  
Cullen was briefing his captains in his office later that night when Ellana slipped in quietly through the door. She leaned up against the wall, regarding him with a seductive smile. Maker, he had completely lost his train of thought. He tried to wrap things up quickly, dismissing the captains and clearing his office. He noticed the darkness creeping in through the open door and realized that it must be quite late. Cullen closed the door with a heavy sigh,  
  
“There’s always something more, isn’t there?”  
  
“Wishing we were somewhere else?” she laughed.  
  
Cullen thought of the nights they had spent outside of Skyhold. The few nights he had travelled with her companions, laughing around a campfire. Their dance at the Winter Palace. He thought of their trip to the lake, just the two of them. They were some of the best moments of this crazy adventure that they called the Inquisition. He laughed.  
   
“I barely found time to get away before.” _If we had more time.._. he thought, walking toward his desk. “This war won’t last forever. When it started, I hadn’t considered much beyond our survival. Things are different now.”  
  
They would never have met, if not for the Inquisition. Their relationship had built up after so much time here, but Cullen knew it was not something that would keep them together permanently. There was no predicting what would happen with Corypheus, with the war. The fear of losing her had been holding him back for so long that he had not been able to tell her how he truly felt. He loved her so deeply that it had rooted itself within him, taking hold in a way that meant it would never leave.  
  
“What do you mean?” she asked. It struck him then that she may not have thought of the war coming to an end. Or perhaps she had, but he felt that in that case her conclusion must not have been a hopeful one. Did she think that they would triumph? Did she doubt her own survival?  
  
“I find myself wondering what will happen after. When this is over, I won’t want to move on, not from you,” he said softly, bringing his hand up to touch the side of her face. She is looking at him with solemn eyes, and he knows then that she is not sure how things will play out. It shakes him a little, the idea that she does not expect to make it through this. Or perhaps it is just that she hasn’t thought of what happens with him, after all of this. “But I, I don’t know what you—that is, if you, um.”  
  
Ellana moved in front of him to sit on the edge of his desk. “Cullen, do you need to ask?” she says.   
  
Cullen finds himself leaning toward her, drawn to her as if she were gravity itself. A small part of him wonders how he could by so lucky, how a man like him could be loved by a woman like her. His insecurities are seeping in before he can stop them, and these are his ghosts, the spaces amid love.   
  
“I suppose not—,” he says, insecurely, but his thoughts are interrupted as a bottle crashes to the floor. It sets something off within him, dashing away all of the previous thoughts. It brings Cullen back to the present, to this moment, and he realizes that nothing else matters. No matter how careful you are, there’s going to be the sense you missed something, the collapsed feeling under your skin that you didn’t experience it all. There’s that fallen heart feeling that you rushed right through the moments where you should’ve been paying attention.  
  
Cullen was paying attention to this moment, to right now. Before she could move to clean up the mess, he took his arm and swept it across the desk, pushing everything else to the floor and did not give a second thought to it. He was done wasting time thinking of the _what ifs_ , and the _afters_ , and the _whens_. In this moment the only thing he could think of was letter her know exactly how he felt.   
  
He brought Ellana into his arms, pulling her up and under him to lay her across the desk, kissing her fiercely. He put a hand on the back of her head, threading his fingers into her hair, his other arm roaming down her arm, across her stomach, and up her chest. Ellana clutched the front of his coat with both hands, pulling Cullen against her as if she was never going to let go. Cullen parted her lips with his tongue, moving it into her mouth and running it across her own. Ellana arched her back up into him, and the feeling of her hips ignited a fire within him. As he brought his mouth from hers he took her bottom lip and nipped it lightly, eliciting a low moan from her. Cullen kissed along her jaw and down her neck, moving his hands to begin tearing open the buttons of her shirt.   
  
“Ellana, is this alright? I only want to do this if you do,” he said. There was nothing he wanted more, he loved this woman so much that he ached, but he would never do anything that she didn’t expressly want.   
  
Ellana looked up at him and smiled. “Cullen,” she said, “there is nothing that I want more in this world.” He pushed the fabric off of her chest and down her shoulders as her hands moved to start undoing the clasps of his overcoat and armour. Cullen brought a hand up and under her breast band, brushing his fingers across her swollen nipple as she moaned his name. Cullen was forced to pull away as Ellana removed his chest plate and let it crash to the stone floor. Cullen sat up and pulled off his tunic, and Ellana traced her hand up his stomach and across his chest, moving to sit up as she did so. Cullen closed his eyes and exhaled as she ran her hands down his sides, moving to untie his breeches. She pushed them down slowly, tracing her lips down Cullen’s hip bone. He stroked his hands through her hair and down her back. Cullen thought he would never get over the feeling of her skin under his hands. Having pulled his breeches down as far as she could, Ellana lay back against the desk, biting her lower lip and regarding Cullen with a hungry look. After removing his own breeches he pulled hers down as well, revelling in the sight of her long, slim legs, and her beautiful, glistening sex. Cullen knelt between her legs, bringing himself down to rest on his elbows as he kissed her again.  
  
“Cullen,” she breathed, “I want to feel you inside of me.”  
  
He moved his hand down to guide himself into her, moving slowly at first, then pushing himself fully inside of her as she enveloped him with her warmth. Cullen felt her hands clutch his back, her legs wrap around his waist as he began thrusting. He felt his chest expand and contract, his heart feeling more and more like it was ready to explode. Cullen nipped at her exquisitely pointed ears, kissed her neck, and brought his lips to her own as their movements became faster and more erratic. They were moving to a rhythm entirely their own now as the rest of the world faded away. Time was stopping around them as they came together. There was no telling where he ended and she began, in this moment in time they were inseparable. He never wanted this moment to end. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> "These are my ghosts, the spaces amid love." (Jonathan Safran Foer, Everything is Illuminated)
> 
> "No matter how careful you are, there’s going to be the sense you missed something, the collapsed feeling under your skin that you didn’t experience it all. There’s that fallen heart feeling that you rushed right through the moments where you should’ve been paying attention." - Chuck Palahniuk


	19. Chapter 19

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> This is it for the story. I'm sorry it's taken me so long to get here, but I wasn't quite sure how I wanted to wrap it up. I just wanted to say thank you for everyone who read(s) this work; I truly appreciate it.

_Ellana opened her eyes slowly as the first light of the morning filtered in through the hole in Cullen’s roof. She was curled up to him, her head resting on his chest as it rose and feel with his breath. Ellana nuzzled his chest sleepily, and could not stop herself from smiling as she thought back to the night before._  
  
 _She had been caught off guard with Cullen’s brazen advance, but she happily melted in his hands as he pulled her onto the desk and under him. It was as if time had slowed during the moment they came together, the outside world fading away from existence for a brief moment._  
  
 _Cullen, breathing heavily, brought his head down to rest in the crook of her shoulder against her neck. Ellana brought her hand up to run her fingers through his hair, turning slightly so that she could kiss the side of his face. He brought his face up to meet hers and she noticed his large, sheepish grin_  
  
 _“That was amazing,” he said, kissing her lightly on the cheek._  
  
 _“You were amazing,” she laughed. She had wanted this—wanted him—for so long that she could hardly believe that this moment was happening. She laughed softly to herself._  
  
 _“Are you alright?” he asked, concerned._  
  
 _Ellana smiled up at him and said, “I’m not dreaming, am I? You’ve no idea how much I’ve been wishing for this to happen.”_  
  
 _She watched the redness spread across his cheeks as he stammered, “Oh, well… er, that is—I hadn’t realized…”_  
  
 _Ellana reached up and put her hands on either side of his face, silencing him as she pulled him in for a kiss. “Why don’t we move this upstairs to your loft? Not that I don’t adore this desk, but I’d rather not have a poor scout walk in on us in such a state. And it might be nice to be a little more comfortable, don’t you agree?”_  
  
She stretched out her legs and arms, moving away from Cullen’s warmth and bringing herself back into the present. She hardly wanted to return to the reality of the Inquisition, and to her role as Inquisitor, but she knew that neither herself nor the amazing man neck to her would be able to shirk their responsibilities. After all, his sense of honour was one of the things she loved most about him. Her breath caught in her lungs as she paused at the thought: she loved him. It had taken root so strongly now that she hardly thought of it, just knew and accepted that it was there. They had been going back and forth for so long now, the shameless flirting, the careful touches, the warm kisses—it had taken them a while to get here, but she knew that for her there was no going back now.   
  
She was brought out of her thoughts by Cullen stirring beside her, whispering in his sleep, “No, leave me! Leave me!”  
  
He gasped, waking with a start and sitting up.  
  
“Bad dream?” she asked softly, placing a reassuring hand on his arm.   
  
He laid back down. “They always are. Without the lyrium, they’re worse.” He paused then and, after noting her concern, propped himself up on his arm and turned to face her.  
  
“I didn’t mean to worry you,” he said, cupping her face with his free hand. He ran a thumb softly across her cheekbone, tracing its lines.  
  
Ellana smiled back at him, turning her hand into his palm and kissing it warmly. “Despite the dreams, is it still a good morning?”   
  
He chuckled then, and she thought it was the sweetest sound she had ever heard. “It’s perfect. You are…” he sighed, then continued, “I have never felt anything like this.”  
  
“I love you, you know that, right?” she said. It was out of her lips before she could even think about it, as if it were the most natural thing in the world. She hadn’t hesitated, hadn’t worried about his reaction, she just wanted him to know.   
  
“I love you too,” he said. He kissed her, then lay back on the bed, pulling her down with him and into a warm embrace. “Lets pretend for today that the Inquisition does not exist. I just want to stay right here with you.”  
  
Ellana laughed against his chest, saying, “Who are you and what have you done with Cullen Rutherford?”   
  
Cullen chuckled softly at this and nuzzled his head against her hair, taking in the lingering lilac scent. After a few minutes he spoke, and said very quietly, “It has taken us so long to get here, all of this time…I’ve known for so long how I felt about you but I was so afraid, so unworthy of this. I don’t want to waste any of the time we have left.”  
  
Ellana let this sink in, bringing up a hand to trace some of the faint scars that decorated his broad chest. For all the confidence and calm he exuded as a Commander it was easy to forget that Cullen was just a man like any other, his insecurities hidden just beneath the surface exterior.   
  
“I’m coming back from this, Cullen. We both are,” she said softly.   
  
Of this she was confident, somewhere in the deep reaches of her consciousness. It was such a strong feeling that she felt nearly overwhelmed by it. She had to believe that fate was not so cruel as to bring them together now only to break them apart later. He loved her, and until he’d loved her she had never minded being alone. Now she could hardy imagine herself existing without him. She propped herself up on his chest and traced her fingers down the side of his face, over the scar across lip, and finally let it rest on his chest, right over his heart.   
  
He regarded her intently with those honey coloured eyes, full of love and warmth. Reaching up, he tucked a falling strand of hair behind her pointed ear and moved to cup her face in his strong hand. “I’m holding you to that promise, you know,” he said.   
  
“You’d better,” she said, reaching her lips forward to meet his. It was a reassurance of their spoken promise, held together by a tender kiss.  
  
“’Tis a very good morning, I see,” an arrogant voice interrupted from the ladder of Cullen’s loft.  
  
“Dorian! What on earth are you doing here?” she turned to see her best friend staring back at them with a very telling ‘I told you so’ kind of grin. Suddenly very aware of the position that she and Cullen were in, Ellana grabbed the blankets and covered the both of them up quickly while Cullen laughed heartily.   
  
“When the Inquisitor hadn’t appeared for the morning meal poor Josephine was in quite the tizzy so I offered to check up on it. I found your quarters suspiciously empty so I presumed that this would be the next best place to look. I am pleased to see that I was very much correct in my assumptions of your whereabouts, and even happier that I can inform Varric that he owes me quite a lot of coin,” Dorian explained.   
  
Ellana buried her embarrassed face in the crook of Cullen’s shoulder.   
  
“Dorian,” he said, “Do you think I could implore you not to tell anyone about the Inquisitor’s location? I had promised her a relaxing day to ourselves, you see, and I fear that this will interrupt it. Please tell the Ambassador that the Inquisitor and I are out on a training run, or a scouting routine, or something. I’m sure you can think of something.”  
  
“Oh, but of course,” Dorian smirked devilishly. “Just be sure to remember who it was who supported this whole endeavour in the first place. It took the two of you quite long enough.” With that he descended the ladder, leaving the two of them in peace.  
  
“Things just never cease to be exciting around here, do they?” Cullen asked.  
  
“I wouldn’t change it for the world,” Ellana replied, leaning in to kiss him again.   
  
\---  
END  
  


**Notes for the Chapter:**

> He loved her, he loved her, and until he’d loved her she had never minded being alone. —Truman Capote


End file.
